So there I was, just chillin' in my apartment, wearing my favourite jeans, Def Leppard t-shirt and flannel shirt, ready to just watch the Nascar 500 when I heard a knock on the door. With a loud weary sigh I got up off my foldaway lawn chair and answered the door. Standing there with a grin on his face was none other than my old pal Hugh B. Hateful. I quickly tried to slam the door in his face before he saw me but he managed to get a steel toe capped boot in the way, why he was wearing steel toe-capped boots I'll never know but then again I rarely know what that guy does these days.
"Ray! I know you're in there, I saw you opening the door, you fucking dick!" I could see the top of his curly head poking round the corner of the door as I tried to shove it closed
"Mister Ray is not home" I called out in my best foreign accent, which usually always ended up an Australian accent "I am only simple cleaning lady from Romania, please to not disturb"
Even I didn't think he'd fall for that one but stranger things have happened. Despite my best efforts though he managed to get his head in through the space and fix me with that unblinking he gets sometimes when he's trying to be cool
"Hah, good joke man, come on let me in"
I sighed loudly and long, to make sure he was, as always, an unwelcome visitor. I reluctantly let go of the door and let him in. As he entered I noticed he was in his customarily odd garb. Today, it seemed, he was in a lazy mood as I'm pretty sure he was still in his pyjamas with a manky old poncho thrown on over them, all this brought together with the steel toe-capped boots.
"So whatcha doin' dude?"
"Nothin really, just boring stuff" I lied trying to distract him
"Ah cool, I'll join you then"
"That's no problem, I'm fine on my own really!"
"Nah, dude, bros gotta hang out some time"
"Ugh, fine whatever. You wanna beer or something?"
"Sho nuff!"
"Why are you still talking like that?"
"Because it's righteous, duuude!"
"And now you're just getting different stereotypes mixed up! Forget it, just grab a lawn chair and make yourself at home"
I made my way through to the kitchen and grabbed two bottles of bud from the fridge. I contemplated going back in there and knocking Hugh over the head with the bottle and leaving him outside somewhere, knowing him he'd probably think he'd passed out and just woken up there. I decided against it though, it's hard dealing with someone who can't read social situations properly.
I walked back into my living room, which is basically just a in the middle of the floor with two lawn chairs facing it. The reception was awful but I didn't know any better. Hugh had already taken his place in one of the lawn chairs so I handed him his beer and sat down.
"Dude, some boring car racing was on so I switched over to our favourite soap! No need to thank me, it's what I do!"
I sighed wearily and relaxed to start watching the 'soap', which was actually a documentary on the Nazis. This guy was nuttier than squirrel shit but I wasn't going to rock the boat. I saw the guy pull one of those plastic knives on a cashier once because she gave him the CORRECT change.
After a few minutes of silence and him staring me out of it while I pretended not to notice I was getting uncomfortable so I decided to go to the bathroom
"Dude I gotta go to the watering hole, back in a minute!"
"Cool, I'll come with you"
Christ, this guy could not read social situations at all
"Em... no that's alright, I can go by myself for now"
"Well, whatever. Don't be too long"
He said it so innocently but it sounded so much like a threat that I hurried off to the bathroom. Once there I just pulled down the toilet seat and sat there fervently that when I came back he'd be gone. I must've waited ten minutes or so before venturing back out only to see him still sitting there and staring right at me.
"That was long, he said simply"
"Well, yeah it was a number two after all"
I retook my seat and drained the last of my beer in one as we sat watching the 'soap'. He continued to laugh at.... something, I have no idea what because this was one hell of a depressing documentary.
After half an hour or so I started to feel a little light-headed and strange. Hugh looked over to me and smiled
"How's that e going down, starting to feel anything yet?"
"Wait! What?"
"Dude I put e in your drink when you went to the bathroom"
"Why... why would you do something like that?"
"Because I saw you spiking my drink with e, so I got you back bro. April fools! Ha ha ha ha ha"
"But I never spiked your drink with anything"
I was starting to feel weird now, like my jaw was unhinged from my head and the colours from the tv were starting to dance in front of me
"Well, if you never spiked my drink with anything, then why am I high as a kite right now"
"I don't know.... maybe you took the drugs yourself"
"Hah, yeah right! I've never taken drugs in my life!"
"Then where'd you get the drugs to put in my drink!"
I found I was standing up now and just rubbing myself all over, who knew flannel felt so good?
"Search me" he giggle hysterically
He stood up and grabbed me by the arm dragging me along
"Come on man, we ain't wasting this buzz sitting round here. For fucks sake, I must have put six or seven tabs in your drink"
I knew I should have been panicking a little as he dragged me out of my apartment and out of my building but the way those colours looked right now I didn't particularly care....
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