An Interview With A Star... William Shatner

Jim Kirk (aka William Shatner)

This was a particularly lovely interview I got to do due to my overwhelming admiration and respect for the one called William Shatner! Here is how that interview went down....

The Lonely Martian: Mr Shatner, I can't tell you what an honour it is to meet you!
William Shatner: Oh stop it, you'll make me blush... which is bad for me, I might die from it

TLM: Ooops, sorry about that. For the interview could you call me Mr. Spock?
WS: No

TLM: What about Bones?
WS: Never

TLM: OK.... what about Lieutenant Ahura
WS: That was a female character

TLM: A female character in what?
WS: Star Trek

TLM: Star Trek? Is that some sort of NASA term?
WS: Star Trek was the tv show I was in where I played captain Jim Kirk

TLM: I'm not following you.
WS: I was captain Jim Kirk! If you don't know the show then why were you asking to be called by those various names of characters from the show?

TLM: I never realised they were names from this show, Space Trek
WS: Star Trek, you moron

TLM: Now, now, no need to get offensive
WS: How have you never heard of Star Trek?

TLM: I don't know, stop shouting at me! Is it anything like Star Wars?
WS: Of course not!! Star Wars is shit. Do you know how many women in Star Wars that weren't aliens? Two! In Star Trek there was loads of them and I banged most of them on screen and the rest off screen! Boom! Oh yeah, Captain Kirk still gots it!

Anyone else think that this might've have worked better than using Mark Hamill?

TLM: I don't get it
WS: *sighs* Well if you aren't here to interview me about Star Trek then why are you here

TLM: I wanted to interview you about your role on Boston Legal, it's my faourite show about lawyers ever, after Ally McBeal of course

Excellent stuff! Just not quite as good as Ally McBeal!

WS: Of course Ally McBeal is your favourite show but Boston Legal was shit! I only did that show for the money

TLM: *Gasp* Take that back right now Danny Crane, take it right back
WS: Never and my name is not Danny Crane it's Jim Kir.... I mean William Shatner. Now what else did you want to interview me about?

TLM: Just one question about Boston Legal?
WS: No!

TLM: Pleeeeeaasse, I'll be your best friend!
WS: I already have a best friend, his name is Leonard Nimoy

TLM: That guy who was in that episode of Columbo?
WS: NO! He was Mr. Spock on Star Trek, the same name you wanted me to call you earlier on

TLM: I'm not with you on that one
WS: Fine, for fuck's sake fine! Just one question about Boston Legal, just one!

TLM: Excellent. OK, what was your favourite thing about being on Boston Legal?
WS: The paycheck at the end of the week

TLM: I don't remember that episode. What season was that? I think it might have been from Season 4
WS: It wasn't an episode, as I said I was only in it for the money

TLM: Well I have the box-set with me, we can watch it til we find the scene where you get a paycheck
WS: No, put that away

TLM: *sighing* Oh alright, big stick in the mud
WS: I am not a stick in the mud. I'm a fun guy

TLM: Sure you are Mr Crane
WS: Stop caling me that, my name is Captian James Tiberius Kirk of the USS Enterp.... I mean William Shatner

TLM: You're funny. Who's this James Tiberius Kirk? Is he any relation to James Caan?
WS: People are not related just because of their first names

TLM: Oh yeah? Then why is my cousin Ray Romano locked in the boot of my car
WS: You have Ray Romano locked in the boot of your car? Let him out for godsake, you'll be arrested

TLM: I'm just kidding... he's tied up in my appartment
WS: I think that might be worse

TLM: Hah! Got you agian, I've never 'kidnapped' Ray Romano
WS: Thank Spock for that

I am a compulsive liar and judging from that smile a great host!

TLM: Or have I.... anyway moving on. Can you call me Mr. Sulu for the rest of the interview?
WS: What? Why are all the nicknames you want characters from Star Trek?

TLM: Star Trek?
WS: Oh forget it

TLM: Alright then, no nicknames. Next question. How did you get into Spoken Word music?
WS: Ah finally a proper question from you at last. I got into Spoken Word when I realised that I had a beautiful singing voice

TLM: But isn't spoken word jsut a medium for those with terrible voices to get into music
WS: Of course not who told you that

TLM: Some weirdo I met on the way here called George Takkei
WS: George is down the street? Why didn't oyu tell me

TLM: Why would I? I assumed you didn't know him?
WS: Of course I know him, he played Mr. Sulu on Star Trek

TLM: Again with the Star Trek, get over it will you
WS: Never!

TLM: Fine, whatevs. Look I'll ask you a question about Star Troop if that'll make you happy
WS: Star Trek! And yes it will

TLM: Okily dokily. Was Star Ship any good?
WS: Star Trek, Star Trek! How can you get the character's names right and not get the name of the show right

TLM: Alright, alright. I'm sorry. Space Blasters, there are you happy now
WS: Not at all, I think I may hate you

I knew it was a movie!

TLM: Well I still love you
WS: That make no difference to me, please leave my house

TLM: Well, before I go can we act out one scene from Boston Legal? Pretty please!
WS: No NO NO NO NO. Get out of my house before I shoot you

TLM: Fine, whatever, have fun talking about Star Trek, dick!
WS: Now you get it right! When the interview is over you get it right?

TLM: Get what right?
WS: The name of the show

TLM: Boston Legal?
WS: Aaaaagghhhh

TLM: No need to scream!
WS: Where's my bloody gun

TLM: Oh shit I'm out of here, you sir are crazy


And that is how my interview with Danny Crane aka William Shatner went

Auf Wiedersehn mes amigos!