Guys of the world, have you been going out on dates and finding yourselves constantly turned down by women who think you're a no good beatnick loser? Find yourself being maced in the face while trying to hustle that special someone into the boot of your car? Or maybe even tased while discreetly folowing her wherever she goes and calling out to her and making crude remarks about how she looks? Well here are some dating tips to help you turn your dating frown into a dating upside down!
1. Make Them Laugh
Any date can start off awkward between the two of you but by simply making your date laugh the awkwardness can be banished in an instant. Here are a few examples; why not pull your date's chair out from under her as she's about to sit down, hilarious! Or maybe even belch and fart loudly mid conversation. Not only are the female of the species totes impressed by your impressive control over your bodily functions they also find that shit wildly hilarious!
2. Show Interest In Your Date's Life
Ladies totally love it when you show even the slightest interest in their lives. I know you're asking what kind of interesting things can happen all day in a kitchen but apparently theladies now have lives away from their designated kitchens! Crazy I know but here is a simple tip to feign interest in your dates life; ask a simple question! It's that easy, no matter what you ask she'll totally talk your ear off about it. Simple questions such as; 'How was your day?' 'Did you get all your cleaning done?' 'What made you think that looks good on you?' 'Have you got a hot sister? Have you a photgraph of her?' 'Oh cool, any chance I can take this into the toilets with me for 10-15 minutes?'
3. Listen To Your Date
Chicks dig it when you listen to the boring crap they're always on about but for some reason they don't think that you're listening to them. Maybe it's the bored expression on your face or the fact that you left the table 10 minutes earlier to go pee but she was son engrossed about what 'She said to Mabel' that she didn't notice you leave. But by following two simple steps you can make sure that your lady friend knows you're listening to her
1. Lean forward in your chair and stare directly into your dates eyes
2. Maintain an unblinking stare for the duration of her story
By following those two simple steps you come out looking like the good listener and not the jackass who goes to the toilet in the middle of an 'entertaining' story
4. Ordering Food
When a member of the fairer sex say they like their own independance and the like having equal rights just remember one thing- it's a lie! They hate all that pansy shit and saying it is only to test you to see what kind of man you really are. So when the waiter comes round to take your orders you make sure and get in there before she does to order both of your foods. Usually something like steak for yourself and a slad or some bread for her. If she tries to order something else from the waiter you make sure to look that waiter in the eye and let him or her know that if they take your dates order their night will end unpleasantly
5. Table Manners
The ladies love a man who can devour a whole plate of food in under ten minutes and if that means eating with your mouth open, chugging down beer after beer to wash down the food or even opening your trousers to make room then you make sure and do it. From the looks of shock and awe I got when I did it this one is a real winner, especially if you reach across the table and quickly finish off whatever's left on her plate and finishing her drink
6. Paying The Bill
Remember earlier when I said that the ladies like to say the enjoy independance and whatnot (or whatnot) then this is the perfect opportunity to let them know you're a guy of equal opportunity. That is by splitting the bill in half between the two of you, even if you did have the steak with side dish of lobster while she only had the salad, it doesn't matter because chicks are down with a guy letting them pay their own way for a meal, even better if you let them pay for the entire meal plus the eight beers you knocked back during the evening.
7. Be A Gent And Drive Her Home
After the lovely evening in whatever rundown hole you brought her to offer your date a lift home. This tip works twofold
A. You come across as a gentleman for making sure she got home safely
B. She will, hopefully, feel obliged to invite you in for a nightcap or something and then once you enter her house and give her the sad-face there is a 70/30 chance somebody will be getting pity sex, i.e., if you didn't already know that person is you amigo, you're the one with a 30% chance of pity sex
N.B. Always remeber to ask her where she lives, if you drive straight to her house then she will know that you've been stalking her and that is a big no-no in the dating book of etiquette
Of course if none of these tips work and your date refuses to let you in after you drove her home or in the unlikely event that your lady friend isn't interested in introducing your penis to her mouth there will always be Shania, the blow up doll you keep stored under your bed, whom you can use to keep you warm on those cold nights when you come home alone. As always she is welcoming and very compliant to whatever sick fetish you may harbour (I'm looking at you Hugh B. Hateful, Shania was never the same after I lent her to you, you sick sick individual. Get help, for Excelsiors sake get help man!)
