Scene 3
Ext: A graveyard – Day. A group of mourners stand around a coffin being lowered into the ground while a priest says prayers. Camera pans out to Kurt Russell standing slightly back from everyone else by a tree, leaning against it with a beer in one hand. He’s obviously drunk and is muttering feverishly under his breath
Kurt Russell:
I’m… I’m gonna… gonna kill that son of *hic* son of a
He tosses the bottle angrily on the ground and gets violently sick beside the tree, his loud retching sounds interfering with the people’s mourning they al look towards him. He stands up wiping off his mouth, rubbing the sick into a beer stained jacket.
He stumbles over to the coffin and throws himself down on it, sobbing like a bitch
Kurt Russell:
NIALL!!! NIALL!!!
Mourner 1:
Who is this dick?
Mourner 2:
I don’t know. Look at me, look at this nice suit! Do I look like I know a drunk homeless guy?
Mourner 1:
I guess not, that is a nice suit by the way. Where’d you get it?
Mourner 2:
I got it in this nice little suit shop down on the corner of....
Kurt Russell gets up off the coffin and glares at the two guys
Kurt Russell:
Hey dick faces, this is a goddamn funeral, have some respect. Talking about suits while the greatest guy to have walked this earth goes six feet under. I ought to fuckin’ roundhouse youse guys right here and now
With a visible effort he tries to spin and kick mourner 1 who just steps back out of the way.
Mourner 1:
Come on now guy, we don't want any of that here. Noel certainly wouldn't have wanted it
Kurt Russell screms at the guy and rushes towards him
Kurt Russell:
His name was Niall! NIALL you goddamned son of a bitch
Kurt after two steps trips over some dirt and lays sprawled out on the ground
Mourner 2:
Noel, Niall! Who really cares. I only just came here so I could show off this nice suit I got
Mourner 3:
You too? I thought I was the only one who didn't really care about this Neil guy. I just thought that this would be a nice chance to wear my new three piece suit I just bought. I don't really have any friend so I thought I'd show it off at a random funeral
Mourner 2:
You don't have any friends? I don't have any friends! Why do you think I'm here? To show....
Mourner 1:
Off yor suit! Wow, it's like we're all only here because we wanted to show off something or other
A fourth person joins the group, a handsome woman who's fingering a beautiful diamond necklace
Mourner 4:
I too am a desperately lonely person. I just bought this necklace as a gift for myself (sighs) and needed tos how it off somewhere and I thought where better to find some desperately lonely people to show it off to then at a funeral of some woman I didn't know
Mourner 2:
Oh! It's actually a woman in there? Well nevermind, that is a beautiful necklace
At this point Kurt Russell has managed to get himself onto his feet and glares at everyone around him
Kurt Russell (shouting):
I’ll get you! I’ll get all of you! Just you see!
He makes his way to his car. He takes a quick piss against the door and gets in. He manages to start it up and drive away, the car veering erratically along the road. Mourners go back to extolling virtues of Mourner 2’s lovely suit and mourner 4's beautiful necklace
Mourner 2:
If only we weren't so desperately lonely. Will one of you guys be my friend?
Mourner 3:
Be friends with a lonely loser like you, bah!
Mourner 4:
You must be kidding!
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