Chapter Two
Those Hips Don't Lie
Those Hips Don't Lie
As soon as Barry had finished giving out about his heart burn we settled down in the shade for a few hours of drinking. I handed out the cans of Lidl brand Excelsior beer and we settled down in a companionable silence for all of 30 seconds
"Ugh, this beer is warm Jose" Barry exclaimed loudly and extravagantly spitting his beer onto the sun baked ground
"He's right Jose, this beer tastes awful" Georgie complained bitterly to my left, a twinge of hate touching his voice
"But I put ice in the bag with the beers" I whined trying to get them to understand
"That was four hours ago! Remember we spent two hours just trying to convince Barry to wear trousers today. The ice has both melted and gone warm in that stupid bag of yours"
"Ah come on guys, they're still drinkable" I pleaded, I cracked my can and took a sip immediately spitting it out. Excelsior beer was awful at the best of times but this tasted like Barry had stirred it with his sweaty feet
"My feet aren't sweaty!" Barry exclaimed
"Wait! How did you read my thoughts?"
"You said what you wanted to think and thunk what you wanted to say" Georgie said judiciously, once more standing over us and stretching, once more looking for a compliment
"I think you mean 'thought' instead of 'thunk'" Barry said gleefully, enjoying his chance to correct Georgie's poor grammar
Georgie pouted stubbornly and started to pace up and down, stopping every so often to pose. Barry and I shared a glance, knowing what he was fishing for but we shrugged and continued to ignore him, which only led him to pose more and strut back and forth right in front of us
I couldn't deal with him though as I had just spotted what Barry was doing
"Aw seriously Barry? After we walked all the way here, across a field of animal piss and Excelsior knows what else!"
Barry slowly lowered his foot from his mouth, spat out the nail and looked at me with a look of utter confusion
"What are you talking about Jose?"
"The nail biting, the fucking nail biting for fucks sake. Why can't you do it normally like everyone else and just bite your fingernails! Is this the real reason why you don't wear shoes or socks?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about"
Georgie finally stopped walking an imaginary runway and sighed exasperatedly
"How do you not get this? Are you socially inept or something?"
"You guys are the socially inept ones" Barry said sourly
"Look, Barry, how many people have you seen biting their fingernails?" I asked
"Loads of people"
"And how many bite their toenails?"
"Loads of people" Barry answered somehow managing a straight face
Georgie and I both simultaneously sighed at once and gave up trying to convince him that basically everything he does is weird. I decided to just record everything weird he does from now on and write a book about it someday called 'Barry Manilow: A Life of Weird'. I took my journal of feelings I feel from my jacket pocket and scribbled out the name and put it 'Weird things Barry does'.
"Hey! Writing down some more of your gay feelings" Georgie cackled beside me, while doing some lunges (that guy would just not give it up)
"Fuck you Georgie. A, my feelings are not gay, they just show off my poetic soul and B, I've given up writing down my feelings, I'm writing down the weird stuff Barry does from now on"
"Hey, that stuff is my intellectual property" Barry declared sitting up
"Do you even know what intellectual property is Barry?"
"Yes I do!"
"Well....."
"I'm not telling you guys, that is my intellectual property and you'll just steal it if I do"
Georgie and I shared a knowing look, or I did with his calves which he had right in front of my face, and I proceeded to write that last comment down in my new journal
"Ugh, mmpfle mmhmm whiffle" Barry mumbled around his foot
"Oh for fucks sake Barry, get your foot of your mouth" I shouted tossing a now empty can of beer at him, warm or not I do love to drink
"Oi! Don't throw things at me! I think I hate you Jose"
"And I think you love me" I cooed
"Shut up!" Georgie screamed "Would you two lovers please just shut up and tell me how good my figure looks today"
We looked over to where he was by 'the rock' and had adopted the classic thinker pose, looking over his shoulder at us
Now it was Barry's turn to sigh exasperatedly with me
"Georgie, man, for fucks sake you have the figure of a 16-year old Filipino girl, what is wrong with you?"
"Barry's right bro, you should probably do something about having such womanly hips!"
"Bros, bros bros!" Georgie said, a twinge of something new I couldn't recognise in his voice "You guys are just jealous"
"Not particularly"
"Not at all"
"You guys are TOTES JEALOUS" he screamed and ran around the other side of the trees so we couldn't see him anymore
"Those hips don't lie Georgie" Barry called after him
We both laughed uproariously and more than a little obnoxiously. When we had finished laughing we could hear the distinct sounds of sobbing from around the other side of the trees.
"Is he crying? Again?"
"Yeah, that guy crys over everything. He'll just finish having his hissy fit and he'll be back around pretending like nothing just happened. I think his brain actually tricks him into thinking that he never actually did any crying"
"That guy is nuts. Beer?"
"Yeah, they're not actually that bad once you get drinking them"
Barry and I sat in a companionable silence, or as much of a silence as you can get when with Barry, what with all the yawning and sneezing
"Aaaaaatchooooo"
"Hay fever?" I asked knowing the answer regardless
"No! What are you talking about?"
"Nothing" I sighed wearily
We were just polishing off our fourth beer when Georgie came back around to us, a smile plastered on his face and the strut back in his gait
"Hey guys! I just went for a piss"
"A fifteen minute long piss" I asked with mock surprise
"Yeah, whatever" Georgie said evasively
"Sure you weren't doing something else back there?"
"Of course I'm sure. Now shut the fuck up and give me a beer"
The three of us sat back to drink ourselves into oblivion and enjoy the sunny day when Barry called out
"Is that someone coming over the hill?"
Georgie and I both looked over to where he was pointing. We couldn't see anything to begin with but then we suddenly saw a mop of ginger hair coming over the top of the hill
We watched for a few more minutes until a face appeared
"Clingy Gangles" we cried out in unison.....
"Ugh, this beer is warm Jose" Barry exclaimed loudly and extravagantly spitting his beer onto the sun baked ground
"He's right Jose, this beer tastes awful" Georgie complained bitterly to my left, a twinge of hate touching his voice
"But I put ice in the bag with the beers" I whined trying to get them to understand
"That was four hours ago! Remember we spent two hours just trying to convince Barry to wear trousers today. The ice has both melted and gone warm in that stupid bag of yours"
"Ah come on guys, they're still drinkable" I pleaded, I cracked my can and took a sip immediately spitting it out. Excelsior beer was awful at the best of times but this tasted like Barry had stirred it with his sweaty feet
"My feet aren't sweaty!" Barry exclaimed
"Wait! How did you read my thoughts?"
"You said what you wanted to think and thunk what you wanted to say" Georgie said judiciously, once more standing over us and stretching, once more looking for a compliment
"I think you mean 'thought' instead of 'thunk'" Barry said gleefully, enjoying his chance to correct Georgie's poor grammar
Georgie pouted stubbornly and started to pace up and down, stopping every so often to pose. Barry and I shared a glance, knowing what he was fishing for but we shrugged and continued to ignore him, which only led him to pose more and strut back and forth right in front of us
I couldn't deal with him though as I had just spotted what Barry was doing
"Aw seriously Barry? After we walked all the way here, across a field of animal piss and Excelsior knows what else!"
Barry slowly lowered his foot from his mouth, spat out the nail and looked at me with a look of utter confusion
"What are you talking about Jose?"
"The nail biting, the fucking nail biting for fucks sake. Why can't you do it normally like everyone else and just bite your fingernails! Is this the real reason why you don't wear shoes or socks?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about"
Georgie finally stopped walking an imaginary runway and sighed exasperatedly
"How do you not get this? Are you socially inept or something?"
"You guys are the socially inept ones" Barry said sourly
"Look, Barry, how many people have you seen biting their fingernails?" I asked
"Loads of people"
"And how many bite their toenails?"
"Loads of people" Barry answered somehow managing a straight face
Georgie and I both simultaneously sighed at once and gave up trying to convince him that basically everything he does is weird. I decided to just record everything weird he does from now on and write a book about it someday called 'Barry Manilow: A Life of Weird'. I took my journal of feelings I feel from my jacket pocket and scribbled out the name and put it 'Weird things Barry does'.
"Hey! Writing down some more of your gay feelings" Georgie cackled beside me, while doing some lunges (that guy would just not give it up)
"Fuck you Georgie. A, my feelings are not gay, they just show off my poetic soul and B, I've given up writing down my feelings, I'm writing down the weird stuff Barry does from now on"
"Hey, that stuff is my intellectual property" Barry declared sitting up
"Do you even know what intellectual property is Barry?"
"Yes I do!"
"Well....."
"I'm not telling you guys, that is my intellectual property and you'll just steal it if I do"
Georgie and I shared a knowing look, or I did with his calves which he had right in front of my face, and I proceeded to write that last comment down in my new journal
"Ugh, mmpfle mmhmm whiffle" Barry mumbled around his foot
"Oh for fucks sake Barry, get your foot of your mouth" I shouted tossing a now empty can of beer at him, warm or not I do love to drink
"Oi! Don't throw things at me! I think I hate you Jose"
"And I think you love me" I cooed
"Shut up!" Georgie screamed "Would you two lovers please just shut up and tell me how good my figure looks today"
We looked over to where he was by 'the rock' and had adopted the classic thinker pose, looking over his shoulder at us
Now it was Barry's turn to sigh exasperatedly with me
"Georgie, man, for fucks sake you have the figure of a 16-year old Filipino girl, what is wrong with you?"
"Barry's right bro, you should probably do something about having such womanly hips!"
"Bros, bros bros!" Georgie said, a twinge of something new I couldn't recognise in his voice "You guys are just jealous"
"Not particularly"
"Not at all"
"You guys are TOTES JEALOUS" he screamed and ran around the other side of the trees so we couldn't see him anymore
"Those hips don't lie Georgie" Barry called after him
We both laughed uproariously and more than a little obnoxiously. When we had finished laughing we could hear the distinct sounds of sobbing from around the other side of the trees.
"Is he crying? Again?"
"Yeah, that guy crys over everything. He'll just finish having his hissy fit and he'll be back around pretending like nothing just happened. I think his brain actually tricks him into thinking that he never actually did any crying"
"That guy is nuts. Beer?"
"Yeah, they're not actually that bad once you get drinking them"
Barry and I sat in a companionable silence, or as much of a silence as you can get when with Barry, what with all the yawning and sneezing
"Aaaaaatchooooo"
"Hay fever?" I asked knowing the answer regardless
"No! What are you talking about?"
"Nothing" I sighed wearily
We were just polishing off our fourth beer when Georgie came back around to us, a smile plastered on his face and the strut back in his gait
"Hey guys! I just went for a piss"
"A fifteen minute long piss" I asked with mock surprise
"Yeah, whatever" Georgie said evasively
"Sure you weren't doing something else back there?"
"Of course I'm sure. Now shut the fuck up and give me a beer"
The three of us sat back to drink ourselves into oblivion and enjoy the sunny day when Barry called out
"Is that someone coming over the hill?"
Georgie and I both looked over to where he was pointing. We couldn't see anything to begin with but then we suddenly saw a mop of ginger hair coming over the top of the hill
We watched for a few more minutes until a face appeared
"Clingy Gangles" we cried out in unison.....
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