SCENE 1
Ext: A shifty looking dive of a biker bar – night – The camera starts on the LA skyline, panning across the more affluent area of the city to the poorer parts until finally it alights upon the dive bar. Sirens blare in the background. Two guys are fighting outside while another takes a piss against the two fighting guys.
Camera zooms in to the door which opens revealing the interior
Int: The interior of the bar is a complete shithole. Drunken bikers down pints of beer while others are slumped unconscious on tables. Waitresses weave in and out among the drunken bikers, smiling patiently at the cat-calls and slapping wandering hands. A fight breaks out over at one of the pool tables.
Biker 1:
Hey! Shithead! What the dickens do you think you’re doing?
Biker 2:
All I did was sink the black to win the game
Biker 1:
Exactly! At this table the house always wins. Now tell me who won the game
Biker 1’s cronies lean over his shoulder sneering menacingly and cracking knuckles
Biker 2:
Ah fuck it, fine you win. (Whispers) Ass
Biker 1:
Damn straight I win. Now boys tell him what happens to people who lose at my table
Biker 3:
We shake hands and compliment him on a game well played.
Biker 1:
No you thundering idiot. We beat twelve shades of shit out of him.
Biker 1 and his cronies lay into Biker 2 who has plainly pissed himself and may also have shit himself.
The camera pans around the bar to a man looking at the fight and shaking his head ruefully at their antics. He turns back on his seat and leans on the counter. He looks around shiftily for a minute and surreptitiously leans down for a second and comes back up with a bottle of bud in one hand. He takes a long slug of it and sighs contentedly.
Suddenly the grizzled barman (Possibly Jeff Bridges?) appears in front of him
Barman
: Hey there guy, you buy that beer here?
There’s a hint of menace in his voice
Kurt Russell:
Sure did buddy and a delicious beer it is.
The barman takes a step to one side letting Kurt Russell see the sign behind his back. A large Coors Light sign shines behind him. Kurt Russell looks around the bar and realises that all the taps are for Coors, the fridges are full of Coors, there’s a Coors sales rep in the corner and the barmans tattoo clearly says ‘Coors til I die’, his eyepatch is also Coors sponsored. Kurt Russell gulps audibly
Kurt Russell:
Come on now guy, I don’t want no trouble. Just let me finish my beer and I’ll leave
Barman:
(spits in Kurt Russell’s beer and laughs) OK pal, go ahead and finish your beer
Kurt Russell stares at the beer with a look of shock on his face
Kurt Russell:
Never in all my life have I ever seen someone despoil a bottle of delicious and refreshing Bud before. Pal, you’ve brought this on yourself.
Kurt Russell angrily punches the bottle of bud away from himself and jumps up on to the counter. The barman just stares at him, a look of confusion on his face. Before he can do anything Kurt Russell roundhouse kicks him in the face. The barman is sent flying backwards crashing into one of the fridges. As he slumps down a cascade of Coors light bottles crashes on his head.
Kurt Russell:
Now that’s what I call a Coors day in hell
Turning around laughing at his own joke Kurt Russell fails to see the entire bar of bikers looking straight at him. Biker 1 drops the bloody body of Biker2 and shouts to the crowd
Biker 1:
He just roundhouse kicked Gentle Louie in the face and made a terrible pun about it. We gonna let him get away with that?
Biker 3:
That’s ‘Are we going to let him get away with that’
Biker 1 backhands Biker 3 across the mouth while the rest of the bar charges at Kurt Russell.
Kurt Russell with a loud cry of ‘Big Trouble in Little China’ leaps into the middle of the crowd. He takes a few hits from the bikers and is knocked back his lip bloodied. Suddenly he grins and leaps into action roundhouse kicking every biker in his way. Left foot, right foot, he doles out roundhouse kicks like they were going out of fashion until finally it’s only him and Biker 1 left. Biker 1 now looks visibly afraid for the first time
Biker 1:
Hey guy I didn’t mean nothing by it.
Kurt Russell:
Well bub, it seems it’s my roundhouse kick versus your backhand (Biker 1 lifts his hand nervously)
Biker 1:
Come on, can’t we come to a diplomatic con….
Kurt Russell doesn’t let him finish as he lays into him with an almighty roundhouse kick sending Biker 1 spinning through the air and landing on one of the pool tables.
Kurt Russell:
Looks like somebody went roundhouse the world in eighty kicks. Hah!
With an unbearably smug grin he walks out the front door into the parking lot. As he walks towards the streer he meets another guy coming towards him wearing bright yellow parachute pants and looking quite obviously stoned. Kurt smiles and waves and the newcomer smiles back
Kurt Russell:
Niall you son of a gun, where the hell were you? I had to roundhouse kick the ass of everybody in there
Niall Browne:
I got held up by traffic. I assume it’s safe to say we won’t be drinking there tonight. Being a total boss again were we?
Kurt Russell:
Damn straight esse
The two bromigos pump fists. As the two fists hit an explosion occurs from their fists and from the fiery carnage two words appear HOT FEVER.
Cue theme to Hot Fever
It's absurd. Absolutely absurd. The script walks the line between what could be hilariously sarcastic, and unbearably cheesy. I'm not sure there is anything about the actual writing that could lessen that risk, because if it's going to be funny you have to go all in on that gimmick. However, I can see it turning out, and I would say that this is a fresh style. I enjoy.
ReplyDeleteA refreshing slice of meta-fictional film writing, this is exactly the kind of satirical writing film-making needs.
ReplyDelete