Chapter 4 - The Philosophies of A Hateful Man
As Hugh dragged me along the streets I kept giggling away at the spork in his hand as it performed the hula for me. After ten to fifteen minutes of this Hugh slapped me across the face and stared angrily at me
"Have you been listening to anything I've been saying you dick?"
"Um something about wearing ponchos on a night out?"
"Well, yes but also about my philosophies on life"
"What philosophies? I thought you were like some sort of agent of chaos, just went through life living like a dickhead!"
"Hey! Fuck you, I am not a dickhead!"
He waved the spork around in the air threateningly and tried to stab me a little. I laughed and he stabbed me harder until the plastic just snapped in two. He swore loudly and kicked out at a litter bin
"My philosophies on life will make sure you get through tonight unharmed"
"Unharmed, what the fuck are we going to do tonight?"
"Never mind that and just listen up. Firstly...."
We were interrupted by what I had assumed to be a filthy hobo but it seemed Hugh knew this guy
"Hey Hugh man, what's up?" The filthy hippy asked, his long ponytail threatening to out him as the most feminine guy around, his only saving grace was the majestic beard covering his face. I pondered it as it waved around in the air making nice shapes as Hugh glared angrily at the newcomer
"What the fuck do you want Forecan?" he demanded, angrily shaking the broken spork under his nose, I watched on eagerly as the beard tried to battle the wriggling spork
"Well I was ju.... oof"
Before he could finish Hugh had punched him squarely in the nuts. The hobo, Forecan, collapsed in a heap on the ground, writihing around on the leaf strewn pavement making the odd grunt and wheeze of pain
"Come on, lets get out of here"
Hugh tugged at my arm and I followed after him. As we walked away from the writhing mass that was the hippy we were followed by a shout of 'I will have my revenge, I swear on great Plato's grave I shall have my revenge on you Hughie and your idiotic friend as well!!"
"Is he serious" I asked, I had always been a little bit afraid of hippies ever since I seen that documentary on Woodstock
"Of course not, that guy is a fuckin pansy. I don't fear anyone or anything for I am the great Julius Caesar! Defender of Rome and Champion of it's peoples"
"What the fuck are you on about Hugh!"
"Shut the fuck up and listen!"
He tugged me down an alleyway muttering something about a shortcut under his breath but as far as I could see we were verging on a dead end, a pile of bin bags scattered along the walls
"Now for my philosophies, firstly; never trust anyone! Especially not me cos I am an awful dick!"
"But you said five minutes ago that you weren't!"
"Come on man and open your eyes, did I or did I not spike your drink with a fuck load of ecstasy?"
"But you said I took it!"
"And you believed me because you're a trusting sap!"
"Ah for fucks sake Hugh, I want to go home"
"No, now listen up, number two; don't look anyone in the eyes except me"
"Alright.... I guess, that one seems helpful"
I looked into his eyes and what I saw there will haunt me for the rest of my life, I could see the madness swirling about in a writhing heap fighting against what little sanity this crazed maniac had left, I could almost see the pupils changing shape at random, one bigger than the other. He smiled and I could see the raging whirlpool of insanity gain momentum behind those dreadful eyes, if one were to look into the eyes of Dracula I imagine this is what they would see, utter and irrevocable madness. I shuddered and looked away
"Ooops, sorry I should have said, never my eyes, my eyes are not for mortal souls to gaze upon!"
We arrived at the end of the alley, a red brick wall rearing up over our heads. Hugh looked puzzled for a moment before with a grunt he just turned us about and headed back out to the exit of the alley
"Number three; never, ever talk to anyone but me! Got that!"
He twisted my arm painfully to strengthen his point, I grunted my assent as the pain reached the point just before I knew a bone would snap, he let go and I rubbed my aching arm tenderly
"And finally numero fouro! Never take anything offered to you unless it's from me, someone might have spiked it"
"Like you did to m...."
I grunted as he punched me in the gut. He dragged me on out of the alley as if the whole episode had never happened.
We stopped as he blinked and looked up and down the street, the hippy had managed to get up and leave I noticed and wondered what kind of revenge he would have planned
"Now where were we going?" Hugh seemed to ask himself
I groaned as I realised he was dragging me randomly through the streets of town and babbling madly into my ear.
"Christ Hugh, do you know what the fuck you're even doing?"
"Of course I do, but what to wear, what to wear?"
It seemed he wasn't even listening to me and was having a conversation with himself. I tried to sidle away and get home. I had managed to get out of his line of sight and was just turning to leg it down the street away from him when he grabbed me from behind with a surprisingly strong arm
"Come on, I know just the place we can go. Although she might not be too happy to see me"
"Where are we going? Who's 'she'?"
"Don't worry your pretty little head about a thing, we're about to embark on the greatest night of my life!"
"Your life?!?!? What about mine" I asked incredulously
"Either you will have a mediocre night or the most horrifying ever. You might actually enjoy yourself if you manage to abide by my philosophies"
"Jesus H. man, those weren't even philosophies! They were just some ambiguous rules!"
"Whatevs bro! Now are you comin or are you comin!"
It seemed I didn't have a choice in the matter as he dragged me forcefully down the street to a night I would regret the rest of my life.....
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