What a lady! What a beautiful woman! I was in heaven!We chatted via lonelychat on the site and got to know each other better, we had so much in common it was unbelievable! She too enjoyed kicking homeless people and telling them to get jobs, standing up to pee, etc. It was, my friends, true love!
Eventually I managed to sum up the courage to ask her out on a date and she said yes! I felt my heart skip a beat, and made an appointment with my doctor because it seemed my arrhythmia of the heart was back, but I was overjoyed none the less.
The night of the date cam around and I wanted to look my best, I put on my best pair of tracksuit bottoms, carefully tucking them into my socks, and my favourite football. I didn't take a picture of myself but I looked almost as good as this handsome gentleman
This man is my sexual hero!
Eventually I managed to sum up the courage to ask her out on a date and she said yes! I felt my heart skip a beat, and made an appointment with my doctor because it seemed my arrhythmia of the heart was back, but I was overjoyed none the less.
The night of the date cam around and I wanted to look my best, I put on my best pair of tracksuit bottoms, carefully tucking them into my socks, and my favourite football. I didn't take a picture of myself but I looked almost as good as this handsome gentleman
This man is my sexual hero!I gave myself a quick spritz of Ben Sherman for men before I left and I was away to meet the love of my life at the local restaurant, the local Chinese, The Golden Terracotta Soldier!
I met her just outside and she took my breath away. She was wearing what my limited grasp of the English language can describe as clothes, I took a picture of her on my phone while whistling loudly and calling her a dirty slut (there was a reason I coul only find a date on desperatleylonelypeople.com).
Alright I though to myself, time to start applying the 7 Tips.
1. Make Them Laugh
A great way to break the ice I thought to myself as I walked over to her. I walked over to introduce myself
"Hey, I'm The Lonely Martian and you must be the gorgeous Stella?"
"Well well well horse, I am Stella"
"Well might I say that you look like you've been chewing wasps while someone hit you repeatedly in the face with a brick" I chortled at my joke but she didn't look too happy, time to try something else
"Did you have to travel through a sewer to get here because you stink" I laughed heartily at this witty joke I made but she just looked offended. Maybe she didn't like that ind of humour, time to try some physical comedy
We entered the restaurant and were shown to a romantic table for two by the toilets. I pulled out Stella's chair for her and as she was about to sit down I pulled it out from under her. I was almost crying with laughter after that one but she seemed to be angry at me at this point. It seemed she had no sense of humour at all. Time to move on to tip 2
2. Show Interest In Her
Well that's easy I thought to myself as I sat down opposite her, her glowering at me wsa actually turning me on a little as well. Time to get to know this girl I thought to myself
"So what do you work at?"
"I'm a dentist"
"What's your favourite colour?"
"Blue. Wha...."
"What's your favourite food?"
"Italian I supp..."
"What's your favourite film?"
"Titanic, yo..."
"Your favourite band?"
"Girls alo..."
"Who's your favourite actor?"
"Bra..."
I could tell from the smoldering look she was giving me that this was totally working and I had her wrapped round my little finger and sex was just a meal away
"Do you like the cinema?"
"I gue..."
"What's your..."
"Oh for crying out loud, let me finish my goddamn sentences and stop bombarding me with questions, it's so creepy!"
"What? What do you mean? I thought you people liked this!"
"What do you mean 'you people'?"
"Well... women of course"
"You are retarded"
The date was only going middling well so far, but I still had a couple of tips left up my sleeve, time for the next tip
3. Listen To your Date
This one was easy, I was an amzing listener.
"Alright, I'm sorry for bombarding you with questions like that. Why don't you tell me something about yourself"
"Well! Alright. To be honest, I'm actually...."
I started to zone out, luckily I had learned how to sleep with my eyes open so I could have a quick nap and wake up in time to nod my head and agree with whatever bullshit she was spouting. I could feel myself drifting and for some reason my eyelids getting heavy, that certainly shouldn't be happening....
I was abruptly woken up by flick to the ear. I realsied I was face down in the complimnetary prawn crackers and Stella was saying something to me
"... even 30 seconds in and you were falling asleep, what the hell is wrong with you?"
I sat up and picked the crackers off my face, putting them into my mouth and eating them nodding my head to whatever she was saying. I could tell I had improved my chances but only by a little. Luckily the waiter was on her way over and I could use my next tip
4. Ordering Food
I quitened Stella with a quick "Shhh, I'm talking now". I looked at our waitress and wolf whistled, knowing this would make Stella jealous that I was attracted to another woman and more likely to sleep with me.
"Good evening sexy waititress..." I paused for a second for the laughter at my clever pun but both women just glared at me so I continued with the order "OK, I will have the spring rolls for starters, the Thai Green Curry for main and give me four bottles of beer"
At this point Stella opened her mouth to order but I quickly butted in knowing that she really wanted me to order for her
"And the lady will ahve some finely diced onions covered by some carrots, and to drink I think half a glass of water"
The waitress looked confused and Stella looked angry and ready to order something else. I looked at the waitress and gave her my best glower letting her know to get the fuck back into the kitchen before I went crazy on her
I smiled as she scurried off and I turned back to look at Stella. I could tell from the frown that she was thinking about which position we were going to bang in tonight
5. Table Manners
We sat in silence til our food came out, her onions and carrots and mine, which I ordered to come out all at once, and I knew what she was thinking, were we going back to hers or mine!!
Once the food came out I showed her what kind of an alpha male I really was. I tucked into my food with real gusto, eating the spring rolls without chewing, shovelling the curry into my mouth with my bare hands. At one point Stella tried to take one of my spring rolls but I slapped her hand away and growled threateningly, baring my stained teeth and everything
In between muthfuls of food I chugged my beers back, belching loudly into her face with a grin on my face.
Sometimes, as an added bonus for Stella, I'd fart and wave the stink in her direction. Oh boy was I showing her the love tonight and from the look on her face she was enjoying it
6. Paying The Bill
Twenty minutes, 7 farts, 13 belches and 10 beers later it was time to pay the bill. And it was time for me to show Stella that I wasn't a discriminating gentleman at all.
The lovley waitress arrived with the bill which totalled €30.40. I looked at Stella, who appeared to be acking up and getting ready to leave.
"Well Stella, we'll go splitsys on this so we both owe 15.20 and I suppose a little more for the tip, no forget it, no tip, she didn't laugh at my joke that time"
"Splitsys? splitsys? But all I had was some onions and carrots while you knocked back 10 beers and a whole dinner, I am not paying anyhting"
"Well I'm just going to leave my share here and if you want to not be arrested tonight I suggest you do the same"
With that I put away my wallet and hurriedly exited the building to await for Stella
7. Offer a Lift Home
Ten minutes later she arrived out looking furious... about something, I don't know what. I walked over to her as she stormed down the street, no doubt eager to get me into bed
"So... Stella, how's about we go back to yours and do the old humpity bumpity"
She stopped then and looked at me
"Never ever! You sir are disgusting and I was better off alone than going on this date with you"
"Well then how about a lift home"
Witht that she drew her arm back and slapped me right in the face, full strength
"Well well, Stella I didn't know you were into Sadism, not really my thing but I can get down with it for a beautiful woman like yourself!"
Suddenly she screamed and went running down the street away from me, it was only then that I realised she must be a lebian or something so I went home emptyhanded
I met her just outside and she took my breath away. She was wearing what my limited grasp of the English language can describe as clothes, I took a picture of her on my phone while whistling loudly and calling her a dirty slut (there was a reason I coul only find a date on desperatleylonelypeople.com).
Alright I though to myself, time to start applying the 7 Tips.
1. Make Them Laugh
A great way to break the ice I thought to myself as I walked over to her. I walked over to introduce myself
"Hey, I'm The Lonely Martian and you must be the gorgeous Stella?"
"Well well well horse, I am Stella"
"Well might I say that you look like you've been chewing wasps while someone hit you repeatedly in the face with a brick" I chortled at my joke but she didn't look too happy, time to try something else
"Did you have to travel through a sewer to get here because you stink" I laughed heartily at this witty joke I made but she just looked offended. Maybe she didn't like that ind of humour, time to try some physical comedy
We entered the restaurant and were shown to a romantic table for two by the toilets. I pulled out Stella's chair for her and as she was about to sit down I pulled it out from under her. I was almost crying with laughter after that one but she seemed to be angry at me at this point. It seemed she had no sense of humour at all. Time to move on to tip 2
2. Show Interest In Her
Well that's easy I thought to myself as I sat down opposite her, her glowering at me wsa actually turning me on a little as well. Time to get to know this girl I thought to myself
"So what do you work at?"
"I'm a dentist"
"What's your favourite colour?"
"Blue. Wha...."
"What's your favourite food?"
"Italian I supp..."
"What's your favourite film?"
"Titanic, yo..."
"Your favourite band?"
"Girls alo..."
"Who's your favourite actor?"
"Bra..."
I could tell from the smoldering look she was giving me that this was totally working and I had her wrapped round my little finger and sex was just a meal away
"Do you like the cinema?"
"I gue..."
"What's your..."
"Oh for crying out loud, let me finish my goddamn sentences and stop bombarding me with questions, it's so creepy!"
"What? What do you mean? I thought you people liked this!"
"What do you mean 'you people'?"
"Well... women of course"
"You are retarded"
The date was only going middling well so far, but I still had a couple of tips left up my sleeve, time for the next tip
3. Listen To your Date
This one was easy, I was an amzing listener.
"Alright, I'm sorry for bombarding you with questions like that. Why don't you tell me something about yourself"
"Well! Alright. To be honest, I'm actually...."
I started to zone out, luckily I had learned how to sleep with my eyes open so I could have a quick nap and wake up in time to nod my head and agree with whatever bullshit she was spouting. I could feel myself drifting and for some reason my eyelids getting heavy, that certainly shouldn't be happening....
I was abruptly woken up by flick to the ear. I realsied I was face down in the complimnetary prawn crackers and Stella was saying something to me
"... even 30 seconds in and you were falling asleep, what the hell is wrong with you?"
I sat up and picked the crackers off my face, putting them into my mouth and eating them nodding my head to whatever she was saying. I could tell I had improved my chances but only by a little. Luckily the waiter was on her way over and I could use my next tip
4. Ordering Food
I quitened Stella with a quick "Shhh, I'm talking now". I looked at our waitress and wolf whistled, knowing this would make Stella jealous that I was attracted to another woman and more likely to sleep with me.
"Good evening sexy waititress..." I paused for a second for the laughter at my clever pun but both women just glared at me so I continued with the order "OK, I will have the spring rolls for starters, the Thai Green Curry for main and give me four bottles of beer"
At this point Stella opened her mouth to order but I quickly butted in knowing that she really wanted me to order for her
"And the lady will ahve some finely diced onions covered by some carrots, and to drink I think half a glass of water"
The waitress looked confused and Stella looked angry and ready to order something else. I looked at the waitress and gave her my best glower letting her know to get the fuck back into the kitchen before I went crazy on her
I smiled as she scurried off and I turned back to look at Stella. I could tell from the frown that she was thinking about which position we were going to bang in tonight
5. Table Manners
We sat in silence til our food came out, her onions and carrots and mine, which I ordered to come out all at once, and I knew what she was thinking, were we going back to hers or mine!!
Once the food came out I showed her what kind of an alpha male I really was. I tucked into my food with real gusto, eating the spring rolls without chewing, shovelling the curry into my mouth with my bare hands. At one point Stella tried to take one of my spring rolls but I slapped her hand away and growled threateningly, baring my stained teeth and everything
In between muthfuls of food I chugged my beers back, belching loudly into her face with a grin on my face.
Sometimes, as an added bonus for Stella, I'd fart and wave the stink in her direction. Oh boy was I showing her the love tonight and from the look on her face she was enjoying it
6. Paying The Bill
Twenty minutes, 7 farts, 13 belches and 10 beers later it was time to pay the bill. And it was time for me to show Stella that I wasn't a discriminating gentleman at all.
The lovley waitress arrived with the bill which totalled €30.40. I looked at Stella, who appeared to be acking up and getting ready to leave.
"Well Stella, we'll go splitsys on this so we both owe 15.20 and I suppose a little more for the tip, no forget it, no tip, she didn't laugh at my joke that time"
"Splitsys? splitsys? But all I had was some onions and carrots while you knocked back 10 beers and a whole dinner, I am not paying anyhting"
"Well I'm just going to leave my share here and if you want to not be arrested tonight I suggest you do the same"
With that I put away my wallet and hurriedly exited the building to await for Stella
7. Offer a Lift Home
Ten minutes later she arrived out looking furious... about something, I don't know what. I walked over to her as she stormed down the street, no doubt eager to get me into bed
"So... Stella, how's about we go back to yours and do the old humpity bumpity"
She stopped then and looked at me
"Never ever! You sir are disgusting and I was better off alone than going on this date with you"
"Well then how about a lift home"
Witht that she drew her arm back and slapped me right in the face, full strength
"Well well, Stella I didn't know you were into Sadism, not really my thing but I can get down with it for a beautiful woman like yourself!"
Suddenly she screamed and went running down the street away from me, it was only then that I realised she must be a lebian or something so I went home emptyhanded
I will learn from you
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