Charlie Sheen
Of all interviews I've conducted this one was probably the most surreal and amazing! To get the interview in the first place I had to defeat the seven witch kings of Sheentonia and then I had to bring to Mr. Sheen the still beating heart of movie reviewer Roger Ebert on a plate of woven starlight, nobody said it was easy getting an interview with a bitching rockstar from Mars. Now I know you're saying that that's all impossible and if I say I did it then I'm lying, well if you do say it then you're a lizard person collaborator and can go die!
The following is what happened one fateful day on the 2nd of April.....
The Lonely Martian: Mr. Sheen, it's an absolute pleasure to meet you
Charlie Sheen: Don't call me that, I'd prefer if you called me Cthulu from now on!
TLM: Cthulu? You're sure... oh whatever. Ok Cthulu, I'd just like to ask you some questions for a piece I do on my blog
CS: That's no prblem, Kincaid!
TLM: Am I Knicaid or are you talking to someone else?
CS: Look, just get your story straight Yusuf or I'm walking out of here, I got important things to be doing
*He pointed through an open doorway to what looked like a small troll dancing around a large pile of what I assumed was flour, he must have had a lot of baking to do*
TLM: Alright Mr. Cthulu, I...
CS: Just Cthulu, no Mr. Cthulu or Master Cthulu, Cthulu is fine. Got that, Yojimbo?
TLM: Ok, ok. Now Cthulu, you were recently kicked off the TV show "Two and a Half Men", have you any comments to make?
CS: Cthulu knows all and sees all but Cthulu knows not of this show "Two and a Half Men"! Tell Cthulu more about it, does it involve hookers and sacrificing
TLM: Cthulu, you were on that show for several years, it infects out tv screens on nearly every channel. Don't you remember being on the show?
CS: As Cthulu has already stated, I know not of this show
*It was at this point that I showed him a poster of himself on the show, which was posted on the wall of his own home*
TLM: Are you still going to say you weren't on that show Cthulu?
CS: Who is that handsome gentleman, I'd like to get to know him
TLM: Oh for crying out loud, that's you. The man in the poster is you, you fucking nutjob
CS: You dare raise your voice at the great lord of the dark Cthulu! You dare? I will strike you down with my fists of fire
*He withdrew two handguns from under his couch and slowly started to point them at me*
TLM: Shouting at you? Of course not! Of course not! I was shouting at the man behind you, but don't look now because he's gone. You scared him off with your fire fists
CS: Of course, of course. How rash of me to get so worked up over something so trivial. Come on let's finish the interview
TLM: Oh.. ok... well let me see now. *skips through a couple of pages of questions about Two and a Half Men* Ah here we go, you stated recently that you made an oscar winning movie in your twenties and you hadn't even hit your peek. Do you plan on making another movie to best 'Platoon'?
CS: You dare question me like this? You mock me in my own home that I graciously allowed you to enter
*He started to raise his hand-guns once again*
TLM: Of course not Mr. Sheen.... I mean Cthulu. It was merely mild curiosity on my part. Stupid, stupid curiosity
CS: Of course, mere mortals must be curios about Gods like myself and what we do, there is no shame in that. I will not annhialate you this time human. You may continue your questioning
TLM: Um.. thank you Cthulu! Most gracious of you. Can you give me any comments about the drugs you ake and whether you still take them?
CS: Cthulu takes only one drug. It was referred to him by a friend. The drug is called Charlie Sheen and I use it every day. And as far as I know it's 100% legal and I'm the only one who can take it because it is so awesome that it will make your organs melt into tripe, your eyeballs explode, your hair to fall out, your skin to fall off and dance a merry jog in front of your popped eye-balls, you will shit yourself 97 times in a row before finally falling dead
TLM: Wow! Sounds like quite a drug, is it available on the streets?
CS: YOU WILL NOT TAKE THE DRUG KNOWN AS CHARLIE SHEEN OR I WILL SEE YOU DEAD HUMAN!!!!
TLM: Ok, ok, no need to be so testy
CS: *sulkily* Cthulu does not get testy, Cthulu is all powerful and omniscient
TLM: Of course you are
CS: Areyou being condescending to Cthulu
TLM: Of course not! Now I only have one more question for you Cthulu
CS: Of course, once answered I will transport you home
TLM: That's alright, my car is outside I'll drive home
CS: I'm afraid I ate your car
TLM: But we've been together in this room sonce the interview started
CS: Have we?
TLM: Yes
CS: Well then your car is probably still out there
TLM: Probably?
CS: Well I might not have been the one to eat it
TLM: What do you mean?
CS: Well I got scared when you pulled up so I called the cops and had your car towed
TLM: For fuck's sake
CS: Do not swear in Cthulu's presence
TLM: Whatever, you dick
CS: That is it, interview is finished
TLM: Aw no, come on man!
At this point Mr. Sheen raised his hands in my direction and I thought he was going to shoot me but instead I jsut felt tingly all over and suddenly very sleepy and the next thing I knew I was in my own shitty appartment, with a sore butthole and jaw!
So from this interview I learned that Charlie Sheen is a nut bag who believes he is Cthulu and also that he does in fact have magical powers, either that or he slipped roophies in my drink!
Goodnight world!
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