"The power of love is the love of power"
- The Man From Mars
Showing posts with label lol catz. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lol catz. Show all posts
Monday, April 18, 2011
Inspirational Quote of The Week
The new weekly segment on my blog featuring a new and uplifting inspirational quote for the week. This weeks:
Chapter 3 of 'The Silly Boys - Une Livre Extraordinaire'
The third chapter to my debut book and in my opinion the best third chapter of a book I've ever written
Chapter 3 - Clingy Gangles
We watched as Clingy Gangles crested the hill and made his way over to us
"Fuckin' Gangles" Georgie muttered under his breath, kicking a large stone which was followed by a loud yelp and Georgie hopping around on one foot cursing his bad luck
"Oh shut the fuck up Georgie, you know as much as we do that we all love Clingy Gangles" I said running a hand through my hair, fixing it a little "I mean he is the most talented member of your band after all"
""What the fuck are you talking about Jose" Barry spat in my direction "If anything, I'm the best member of that band. Why, without me, those guys would be like a captainless ship drifting around the ocean, directionless and ...."
Barry was quietened with a swift kick from a now recovered Georgie
"I'm the best member of The Bookleys and that's that" He declared, cartwheeling his arms in the air for whatever reason he had, we had stopped asking him for reasons after he walked around the town in a crouch all day citing CIA agents following him as the reason, we decided from then on that we wouldn't ask him questions about his actions unless it affected us directly
"Whatever, I just hope he that twenty quid I lent him last week, he said he'd pay me back when he got the dole this week" Barry said dodging one of Georgie's flailing arms
"You lent him a twenty! When I asked you for a few euro the other day you laughed in my face and continued fanning yourself with some fivers. You son of a bitch" Georgie exclaimed
He had stopped cartwheeling his arms now and was pretending to karate chop one of the trees, making loud grunts and exclamations every time he pretended to land a hit. We didn't even need to ask him about that one, he had taken one class of karate three weeks ago and now assumed that he was a karate master
"Will you cut that out Georgie, Clingy is almost here" I said
"I need to train my delts and tris every day" He declared loudly, refusing to look over at us "My sensei said to do it every day"
"Your sensei?" Barry laughed "I'm pretty sure that guy was the homeless guy who used to hang out in front of my house, I think he managed to get cleaned up and conned a guy out of a hundred quid for a karate lesson.... oh wait, that was you"
"No it wasn't, my sensei was trained by a tiger in the mystical arts of karate deep in the Amazon jungle"
He had no started kicking the tree, his leg barely rising high enough to reach his waist
"Do you even listen to what you say sometimes Georgie! I mean seriously, a lot of what you say is retarded and the rest of it is moronic"
"Seriously dude, you sound almost as stupid as Crudley"
Georgie stopped suddenly and ran over to pin Barry against the tree
"Take that back or I'll use the secret death touch on you that sensei Miyagi taught mein training!"
"Sensei Miyagi!" I was almost crying wiht laughter "As in Mr. Miyagi from The KArate Kid movie. Georgie, you sir have been well and truly duped"
Georgie let go of Barry and stalked over to sit down by himself in a bit of a sulk, his bottom lip trembling on the verge of another crying jag
He seemed to be sulking a lot more of late and I thought I should really aski him about that, instead I just tossed a stone at him and laughed as it hit him squarely on the forehead.
I looked over to see Clingy had finally arrived over to us, a tall gangly ginger fop, bedecked in a nice new waistcoat over a disgustingly dirty t-shirt and trousers that were basically falling off, that man, I was pretty sure, was wearing his clothes until they eventually fell off and he had to buy a new pair of whatever just fell off and from the looks of him it was his teeth next. I barked a laugh and looked over at Barry to share the joke but Barry only had eyes for Gangles, and not the good eyes either, the 'I'm going to murder that guy if he doesn't pay me back my money' kinda eyes. Before I could even say hello Barry was haranguing him over the money
"Gangles! Have you got the money I lent you last week!"
"Sorry Barry, a wakka lakka lakka! I had to give it all to me mum, she beat me at cards last night, a wakka lakka" he said in a British accent
"Wha'? Wha'? If you gave it all to your mum then how did you get that fancy new waistcoat?"
"This? I bought this just after I got the dole, a wakka lakka lakka!"
I could see the vein throbbing in Barry's forehead
"How much was it?"
"About twenty quid I suppose, a wakka lakka lakka"
I could see Barry was going into an apocalyptic rage, his face going red and the hackles on the back of his neck rising. I always meant to ask him how he managed to get hackles like that but never got round to it
I guess it was up to me to diffuse the situation
"I'm sure...."
Before I could say much more though Gangles got hit in the head by a small stone which was followed by a shout of
"You suck Gangles" from Georgies direction and a bark of a laugh
I turned to look over at Georgie, only to see him with a handful of stones ready to throw at Gangles
"Come on now Georgie, lets be civil here"
"Fuck you Jose, you stupid son of a bitch"
With that he tossed the handful of stones in our direction, luckily for us though, that guy had a terribly weak arm and most of the stones dropped short.
"Look guys, I came to find you so I could tell you about the new song I just wrote for the band, a wakka lakka lakka lakka lakka...."
We waited patiently as his 'wakka lakka's' subsided. Chatting amongst ourselves about the current state of the economy and how it could be saved. Eventually they subsided and we could finally find out about Gangles song
"It's called 'Post Lovin' Woman' and it's the greatest song ever"
"I bet it is. Come on then let's hear it" I said, looking forward to hearing the song from, in my opinion the most talented person from around these parts
Georgie snorted derisively to my side and muttered that I 'should stop being so gay for Gangles'
Barry didn't say anything as he was having some sort of rage fit to the side, sounds spluttering out from his mouth as he tried to regain control of his spasming body.
"Well lets hear it then" Georgie said
"Alright then" Gangles proceeded to warm his voice up with some notes on the scale except replacing the notes with 'a wakka lakka's'
Just as he was about to unleash, what I assumed would be musics next greatest hit, Barry recovered from his rage fit and launched himself at Gangles, wrestling him to the ground. After a few minutes Barry extricated himself from a tangled mass of Gangles lanky arms and legs grasping his prize, Gangle's waistcoat.
"If you're not going to pay me back my money then I'm just going to take this as payment instead"
He struggled to put the waistcoat on over his jacket, refusing, as a true Silly Boy to break rule numero uno, to take it off first. When he finally had it on, Georgie and I were in stitches while Gangles just looked on forlornly, accepting defeat
"Barry.." I managed to choke out between laughs "You look ridiculous bro, take the fucking thing off before people see you"
"Never, I'm a Silly Boy and Silly Boys do silly things" And with that he proceeded to strut about like a peacock, showing off his brand new waistcoat to us and I have to admit he pulled it off, he pulled it off with aplomb!
After a rapturous round of applause from Georgie and myself and, surprisingly enough considering the circumstances, Gangles himself, Barry retook his place looking quite smug and content with himself, preening a little after the all round good reaction to his new waistcoat
"Very good Barry, can I get my waistcoat back now please? A Wakka lakka lakka"
"Wha? Wha? You want MY waistcoat?"
"Well I did buy it, a wakka!"
"Get the hell out of here Gangles before I beat the crap out of you!"
"Oooooh noooo, a wakka lakka lakka!"
Gangles sprinted off into the distance with a loud and forlorn 'It were not bloody lovely'
"There goes the next John Lennon" I whispered to myself
"I'm the next John Lennon" Georgie screamed into my ear
"Fuck you Georgie, you're full of shit"
We watched as Clingy Gangles crested the hill and made his way over to us
"Fuckin' Gangles" Georgie muttered under his breath, kicking a large stone which was followed by a loud yelp and Georgie hopping around on one foot cursing his bad luck
"Oh shut the fuck up Georgie, you know as much as we do that we all love Clingy Gangles" I said running a hand through my hair, fixing it a little "I mean he is the most talented member of your band after all"
""What the fuck are you talking about Jose" Barry spat in my direction "If anything, I'm the best member of that band. Why, without me, those guys would be like a captainless ship drifting around the ocean, directionless and ...."
Barry was quietened with a swift kick from a now recovered Georgie
"I'm the best member of The Bookleys and that's that" He declared, cartwheeling his arms in the air for whatever reason he had, we had stopped asking him for reasons after he walked around the town in a crouch all day citing CIA agents following him as the reason, we decided from then on that we wouldn't ask him questions about his actions unless it affected us directly
"Whatever, I just hope he that twenty quid I lent him last week, he said he'd pay me back when he got the dole this week" Barry said dodging one of Georgie's flailing arms
"You lent him a twenty! When I asked you for a few euro the other day you laughed in my face and continued fanning yourself with some fivers. You son of a bitch" Georgie exclaimed
He had stopped cartwheeling his arms now and was pretending to karate chop one of the trees, making loud grunts and exclamations every time he pretended to land a hit. We didn't even need to ask him about that one, he had taken one class of karate three weeks ago and now assumed that he was a karate master
"Will you cut that out Georgie, Clingy is almost here" I said
"I need to train my delts and tris every day" He declared loudly, refusing to look over at us "My sensei said to do it every day"
"Your sensei?" Barry laughed "I'm pretty sure that guy was the homeless guy who used to hang out in front of my house, I think he managed to get cleaned up and conned a guy out of a hundred quid for a karate lesson.... oh wait, that was you"
"No it wasn't, my sensei was trained by a tiger in the mystical arts of karate deep in the Amazon jungle"
He had no started kicking the tree, his leg barely rising high enough to reach his waist
"Do you even listen to what you say sometimes Georgie! I mean seriously, a lot of what you say is retarded and the rest of it is moronic"
"Seriously dude, you sound almost as stupid as Crudley"
Georgie stopped suddenly and ran over to pin Barry against the tree
"Take that back or I'll use the secret death touch on you that sensei Miyagi taught mein training!"
"Sensei Miyagi!" I was almost crying wiht laughter "As in Mr. Miyagi from The KArate Kid movie. Georgie, you sir have been well and truly duped"
Georgie let go of Barry and stalked over to sit down by himself in a bit of a sulk, his bottom lip trembling on the verge of another crying jag
He seemed to be sulking a lot more of late and I thought I should really aski him about that, instead I just tossed a stone at him and laughed as it hit him squarely on the forehead.
I looked over to see Clingy had finally arrived over to us, a tall gangly ginger fop, bedecked in a nice new waistcoat over a disgustingly dirty t-shirt and trousers that were basically falling off, that man, I was pretty sure, was wearing his clothes until they eventually fell off and he had to buy a new pair of whatever just fell off and from the looks of him it was his teeth next. I barked a laugh and looked over at Barry to share the joke but Barry only had eyes for Gangles, and not the good eyes either, the 'I'm going to murder that guy if he doesn't pay me back my money' kinda eyes. Before I could even say hello Barry was haranguing him over the money
"Gangles! Have you got the money I lent you last week!"
"Sorry Barry, a wakka lakka lakka! I had to give it all to me mum, she beat me at cards last night, a wakka lakka" he said in a British accent
"Wha'? Wha'? If you gave it all to your mum then how did you get that fancy new waistcoat?"
"This? I bought this just after I got the dole, a wakka lakka lakka!"
I could see the vein throbbing in Barry's forehead
"How much was it?"
"About twenty quid I suppose, a wakka lakka lakka"
I could see Barry was going into an apocalyptic rage, his face going red and the hackles on the back of his neck rising. I always meant to ask him how he managed to get hackles like that but never got round to it
I guess it was up to me to diffuse the situation
"I'm sure...."
Before I could say much more though Gangles got hit in the head by a small stone which was followed by a shout of
"You suck Gangles" from Georgies direction and a bark of a laugh
I turned to look over at Georgie, only to see him with a handful of stones ready to throw at Gangles
"Come on now Georgie, lets be civil here"
"Fuck you Jose, you stupid son of a bitch"
With that he tossed the handful of stones in our direction, luckily for us though, that guy had a terribly weak arm and most of the stones dropped short.
"Look guys, I came to find you so I could tell you about the new song I just wrote for the band, a wakka lakka lakka lakka lakka...."
We waited patiently as his 'wakka lakka's' subsided. Chatting amongst ourselves about the current state of the economy and how it could be saved. Eventually they subsided and we could finally find out about Gangles song
"It's called 'Post Lovin' Woman' and it's the greatest song ever"
"I bet it is. Come on then let's hear it" I said, looking forward to hearing the song from, in my opinion the most talented person from around these parts
Georgie snorted derisively to my side and muttered that I 'should stop being so gay for Gangles'
Barry didn't say anything as he was having some sort of rage fit to the side, sounds spluttering out from his mouth as he tried to regain control of his spasming body.
"Well lets hear it then" Georgie said
"Alright then" Gangles proceeded to warm his voice up with some notes on the scale except replacing the notes with 'a wakka lakka's'
Just as he was about to unleash, what I assumed would be musics next greatest hit, Barry recovered from his rage fit and launched himself at Gangles, wrestling him to the ground. After a few minutes Barry extricated himself from a tangled mass of Gangles lanky arms and legs grasping his prize, Gangle's waistcoat.
"If you're not going to pay me back my money then I'm just going to take this as payment instead"
He struggled to put the waistcoat on over his jacket, refusing, as a true Silly Boy to break rule numero uno, to take it off first. When he finally had it on, Georgie and I were in stitches while Gangles just looked on forlornly, accepting defeat
"Barry.." I managed to choke out between laughs "You look ridiculous bro, take the fucking thing off before people see you"
"Never, I'm a Silly Boy and Silly Boys do silly things" And with that he proceeded to strut about like a peacock, showing off his brand new waistcoat to us and I have to admit he pulled it off, he pulled it off with aplomb!
After a rapturous round of applause from Georgie and myself and, surprisingly enough considering the circumstances, Gangles himself, Barry retook his place looking quite smug and content with himself, preening a little after the all round good reaction to his new waistcoat
"Very good Barry, can I get my waistcoat back now please? A Wakka lakka lakka"
"Wha? Wha? You want MY waistcoat?"
"Well I did buy it, a wakka!"
"Get the hell out of here Gangles before I beat the crap out of you!"
"Oooooh noooo, a wakka lakka lakka!"
Gangles sprinted off into the distance with a loud and forlorn 'It were not bloody lovely'
"There goes the next John Lennon" I whispered to myself
"I'm the next John Lennon" Georgie screamed into my ear
"Fuck you Georgie, you're full of shit"
Scene 3 From My Screenplay 'Hot Fever'
This is scene three from my throwback to the 80's movie about one man's determination to get revenge for his murdered friend
Scene 3
Ext: A graveyard – Day. A group of mourners stand around a coffin being lowered into the ground while a priest says prayers. Camera pans out to Kurt Russell standing slightly back from everyone else by a tree, leaning against it with a beer in one hand. He’s obviously drunk and is muttering feverishly under his breath
Kurt Russell:
I’m… I’m gonna… gonna kill that son of *hic* son of a
He tosses the bottle angrily on the ground and gets violently sick beside the tree, his loud retching sounds interfering with the people’s mourning they al look towards him. He stands up wiping off his mouth, rubbing the sick into a beer stained jacket.
He stumbles over to the coffin and throws himself down on it, sobbing like a bitch
Kurt Russell:
NIALL!!! NIALL!!!
Mourner 1:
Who is this dick?
Mourner 2:
I don’t know. Look at me, look at this nice suit! Do I look like I know a drunk homeless guy?
Mourner 1:
I guess not, that is a nice suit by the way. Where’d you get it?
Mourner 2:
I got it in this nice little suit shop down on the corner of....
Kurt Russell gets up off the coffin and glares at the two guys
Kurt Russell:
Hey dick faces, this is a goddamn funeral, have some respect. Talking about suits while the greatest guy to have walked this earth goes six feet under. I ought to fuckin’ roundhouse youse guys right here and now
With a visible effort he tries to spin and kick mourner 1 who just steps back out of the way.
Mourner 1:
Come on now guy, we don't want any of that here. Noel certainly wouldn't have wanted it
Kurt Russell screms at the guy and rushes towards him
Kurt Russell:
His name was Niall! NIALL you goddamned son of a bitch
Kurt after two steps trips over some dirt and lays sprawled out on the ground
Mourner 2:
Noel, Niall! Who really cares. I only just came here so I could show off this nice suit I got
Mourner 3:
You too? I thought I was the only one who didn't really care about this Neil guy. I just thought that this would be a nice chance to wear my new three piece suit I just bought. I don't really have any friend so I thought I'd show it off at a random funeral
Mourner 2:
You don't have any friends? I don't have any friends! Why do you think I'm here? To show....
Mourner 1:
Off yor suit! Wow, it's like we're all only here because we wanted to show off something or other
A fourth person joins the group, a handsome woman who's fingering a beautiful diamond necklace
Mourner 4:
I too am a desperately lonely person. I just bought this necklace as a gift for myself (sighs) and needed tos how it off somewhere and I thought where better to find some desperately lonely people to show it off to then at a funeral of some woman I didn't know
Mourner 2:
Oh! It's actually a woman in there? Well nevermind, that is a beautiful necklace
At this point Kurt Russell has managed to get himself onto his feet and glares at everyone around him
Kurt Russell (shouting):
I’ll get you! I’ll get all of you! Just you see!
He makes his way to his car. He takes a quick piss against the door and gets in. He manages to start it up and drive away, the car veering erratically along the road. Mourners go back to extolling virtues of Mourner 2’s lovely suit and mourner 4's beautiful necklace
Mourner 2:
If only we weren't so desperately lonely. Will one of you guys be my friend?
Mourner 3:
Be friends with a lonely loser like you, bah!
Mourner 4:
You must be kidding!
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
The Lizard People and Their Collaborators
Much like the Nazi reign during WWII there will always be weak willed and selfish folk who wish to be on the winning side even if it means switching sides to something undesirable! Such is the case of people who collaborate with the Lizard People. As you may have read in my earlier post the Lizard People are a very real and dangerous threat to the survival of mankind. In my investigations into the Lizard People I came across some very shocking discoveries about who among us are Lizard People collaborators. The following is a list of the types of collaborators and who they are
The Ones In It For PowerThese are the most dangerous of the collaborators as they are in it for the power that can be gained from aiding the Lizard People's diabolical plans! These people are willing to do anything to please their Lizard People overlords and they would stop at nothing to get that power.... and I mean they would do anything, and by anyhting I mean they would probably blow a lizard person if it meant power for them.
The following are lizard people collaborators who were in it for the power
Henry VIII
The English are a crafty lot and none more so than King Henry VIII. Seen here in a painting with his Lizard Person advisor
Bill Clinton
The one we humans call Clin-ton seen here with Secretary for defense, or should I say Secretary for Lizard People, shame on you Clinton. We can forgive you for Monica but not this
Tony Blair
And to think that I once loved that cheeky smile of his. Damn you to hell Blair, you're better than this!
Saddam Hussein
Pretty easy to kill millions of people with an army of Lizard People behind you! Oh Saddam you asshole, you lovable lovable asshole
The Ones In It For Lizard People Treasure
The collaborator's who are collaborating for the treasure offered to them by the lizard are among the sneakiest of the collaborators as they don't care who stays in power so long as they have diamonds and the such to wear on an alomost daily basis. These people may even be a little retarded due to the fact that in a lizard people society diamonds and the such won't count for diddly squat. The only thing lizard people truly care for is the fur from rats from which they make their loincloths and/or smallclothes
Following are money hungry bastards
Flavor Flav
Look where he was getting all his boss crowns and wizard clocks from! Shame on you Flav, you brought us joy with Flavor of Love but crush our souls with your betrayal
Hugh O'Donoghue
Fame whore and curly headed fuck Hugh O'Donoghue with his ill gotten spoils
The Ones In It For The Fame
Among the most ruthless and stupid of the collaborators these people will stop at nothing to get their 15 minutes of fame. These people are willing to do ridiculous things to themselves so that they can become celebrities. If ever we deserved to be conquered by the Lizard People it's because of these people
Paris Hilton
And you all wondered how she became famous!!! Blowing several Lizard People every night, that's how!
The One's In It For Inter-Species Love
There are those among us whose sexual tastes have gone beyond what the internet can provide for them and theyhave turned to the Lizard People to help them live out their sickest fantasies. These "people" are merely in it looking for a good ride and possibly some snuggling afterwards
Victoria Beckham (aka Lizard Spice)
It seems David wasn't the only one playing away from home, or should I say species! Oooh!
The Ones In It For PowerThese are the most dangerous of the collaborators as they are in it for the power that can be gained from aiding the Lizard People's diabolical plans! These people are willing to do anything to please their Lizard People overlords and they would stop at nothing to get that power.... and I mean they would do anything, and by anyhting I mean they would probably blow a lizard person if it meant power for them.
The following are lizard people collaborators who were in it for the power
Henry VIII
The English are a crafty lot and none more so than King Henry VIII. Seen here in a painting with his Lizard Person advisorQueen Whichever is in Power Right Now
Like daughter, like great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grand father! And the English wonder why the world hates them!
Like daughter, like great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grand father! And the English wonder why the world hates them!Bill Clinton
The one we humans call Clin-ton seen here with Secretary for defense, or should I say Secretary for Lizard People, shame on you Clinton. We can forgive you for Monica but not thisTony Blair
And to think that I once loved that cheeky smile of his. Damn you to hell Blair, you're better than this!Saddam Hussein
Pretty easy to kill millions of people with an army of Lizard People behind you! Oh Saddam you asshole, you lovable lovable assholeThe Ones In It For Lizard People Treasure
The collaborator's who are collaborating for the treasure offered to them by the lizard are among the sneakiest of the collaborators as they don't care who stays in power so long as they have diamonds and the such to wear on an alomost daily basis. These people may even be a little retarded due to the fact that in a lizard people society diamonds and the such won't count for diddly squat. The only thing lizard people truly care for is the fur from rats from which they make their loincloths and/or smallclothes
Following are money hungry bastards
Flavor Flav
Look where he was getting all his boss crowns and wizard clocks from! Shame on you Flav, you brought us joy with Flavor of Love but crush our souls with your betrayalHugh O'Donoghue
Fame whore and curly headed fuck Hugh O'Donoghue with his ill gotten spoilsThe Ones In It For The Fame
Among the most ruthless and stupid of the collaborators these people will stop at nothing to get their 15 minutes of fame. These people are willing to do ridiculous things to themselves so that they can become celebrities. If ever we deserved to be conquered by the Lizard People it's because of these people
Paris Hilton
And you all wondered how she became famous!!! Blowing several Lizard People every night, that's how!The Cast of Jersey Shore
The orange people and their green master enjoying a day at the beach
The orange people and their green master enjoying a day at the beachThe One's In It For Inter-Species Love
There are those among us whose sexual tastes have gone beyond what the internet can provide for them and theyhave turned to the Lizard People to help them live out their sickest fantasies. These "people" are merely in it looking for a good ride and possibly some snuggling afterwards
Victoria Beckham (aka Lizard Spice)
It seems David wasn't the only one playing away from home, or should I say species! Oooh!Angelina Jolie
Angelina Jolie just couldn't get the right stuff from Brad so look who she turned to. Angelina, you are a sick sick woman and John Voight should be ashamed of you right now
Gene Simmons
Oh Gene, I kinda expected it from you to be honest, you just look weird and having a lizard person on your arm suits you so well
Oh Gene, I kinda expected it from you to be honest, you just look weird and having a lizard person on your arm suits you so well
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