The Lizard People and You: Coping With Slavery

With the inevitable rise of the lizard people and the subjugation of all mankind just over the horizon I'd like to share a few excerpts from my new how-to guide "The Lizard People and You : Coping With Slavery". Covered in my novel will be neat tips to help make your slavery less terrible and you may even avoid death!

Chapter 1 : Surrender!

When that first wave of lizard people comes thundering over the hill and starts mowing down your brave and noble compatriots, do the smart thing and surrender. Take the old age adage of "he who fights and runs away will live to fight another day" and throw it out the door, that one is stupid and is more than likely gonna get you killed, and use my new and improved one of "he who doesn't fight and surrenders will live forever and a day".

So when that first platoon of lizard men infantry kills off the first battalion of earths defenses you just scoff derisively at their stupidity take out your home-made white flag (for those of you who don't have a white flag there is a section in the back of the book with hints and tips on making that perfect white flag from things lying around your home), drop to your knees and proclaim loudly "I surrender to my superior lizard overlords" while waving your falg in a non threatening manner.

Chapter 4 : Obedience

When all of humanity is eventually enslaved and the lizard people have taken their place as overlords of Earth you don't want to be doing something silly like joining the resistance or standing up for some sort of basic human rights. The lizard people while sharing some of our features and body shape are completely devoid of mercy, pity and humour, so you certainly don't want to be vying for human rights with some cleverly worded puns. 


What you need to be doing is knuckling down and getting used to soul crushing work and back breaking labour. Just do your job as well as you can. Do not for any reason stand out from the crowd, you want to blend in seemlessly with the rest of the slaves. You need to  lie low and wait for that moment to ingratiate yourself with the lizard people, covered in ch. 9


Chapter 9 : Snitching

Now I know snitching doesn't sound great but once you get into a few years of sould crushing work and drudgery of being a slave you'll be aching for that grunt or hiss of approval from your lizard person owner. After a while you may even realise that snitching is what you were born to do. Although, for those of you not born to snitch you will have to work on it

The first couple of times you snitch on your fellow slaves you may feel somewhat bad but hey, better them than you, am I right? So to overcome this feeling of guilt, snitch on them in private or at least away from judging expressions. As you get used  to this and become less and less of a human with each snitch you should be capable of doing it to that persons face, literally pointing at them and declaring their crime. At that point the sight of their tears and the sounds of their tears will actualy bring you much sexual gratification. At a certain point you'll give up on actually finding out real crimes and just start making them up, all so that you can hear that first, sweet scream send a wave of pleasure through you, her terrified eyes looking right at you as they drag her away for torture and death. Simply sublime!




My book is available in all good books... aw, who am I kidding my book is only available to people who ask for it. Upon which I will write it out in crayon for them as I can't afford a printer. So please drop me a bell if you want to get a copy of my book. I'll even sign the first five copies

The Truth Behind The Bin Laden Killing!

Do you, like me, find that there was something fishy behind the death of Osama Bin Laden? Do you feel like it was a bit too easy for them to have found him after eluding them for almost ten years? Well here's the truth about who actually led to Bin Laden's death

The Lizard People!!


That's right it was, once again, those pesky Lizard People, I told you about them but would you listen, no!

They're everywhere and once again they have orchestrated the death of someone who was too radical for them to have around the place messing with their plans of mass human enslavement!

Why, I hear you asking, would they want to have him killed now when they could have done it years ago! Well, don't ask me because I'm not a Lizard Person and I have no idea how they think but here are some theories I have come up with:

1. Bin Laden was in fact a Lizard Person collaborator himself and betrayed them over something, which led to his death
2. Bin Laden found their secret HQ somewhere in Pakistan and they just had to kill him over that knowledge
3. The Lizard People are just nuts and wanted to kill someone infamous
4. Obama's re-election is coming up and he's a Lizard Person collaborator and the death of Bin Laden greatly increased his chances of being re-elected
5. Bin Laden was a Lizard Person who went renegade and tried to help the humans start a revolution! 
6. He had a stupid looking beard

Now, I know what everyone is thinking, that it's too easy to just blame the Lizard people, that this just sounds like a crazy plot for a Hollywood movie, where's your goddamn proof? Well, I have received images from a secret source over in Pakistan who sent them to me yesterday and, well, let's just say that they make for some very interesting looking indeed. The following images prove that the Lizard People were in fact implicit in the killing of Osama Bin Laden

 

Here we can see a lizard person sneaking up on Bin Laden as he does his morning talk show routine! He didn't actually have a talk show but he was obsessed with Loose Women and wanted to be on their show one day and he practised every day for it

 

And here we can see a Lizard Person's hand finishing the job, choking the life out of Bin Laden. He did quite a number on his face, didn't he? Must have been quite the angry about whatever it was Bin Laden did to them

I apologize for the lack of a quality photo but my inside source only had a disposable camera on him at the time but as you can see this is incontrovertible proof of The Lizard People's hand in all this! Just make sure to keep an eye out for Lizard People in your life or you never know what will happen next. Can you trust anyone? What about that guy looking at you as you read this? What about your friends? Your own siblings? Your parents? Can you really trust anyone not to be a lizard person or a lizard person collaborator? I certainly don't! That's why I plan on becoming a hermit! In fact I don't trust anyone reading this right now! How do I know you're not in league with them! Goddammit, everyone is against me!

The Lizard People and Their Collaborators

Much like the Nazi reign during WWII there will always be weak willed and selfish folk who wish to be on the winning side even if it means switching sides to something undesirable! Such is the case of people who collaborate with the Lizard People. As you may have read in my earlier post the Lizard People are a very real and dangerous threat to the survival of mankind. In my investigations into the Lizard People I came across some very shocking discoveries about who among us are Lizard People collaborators. The following is a list of the types of collaborators and who they are


The Ones In It For PowerThese are the most dangerous of the collaborators as they are in it for the power that can be gained from aiding the Lizard People's diabolical plans! These people are willing to do anything to please their Lizard People overlords and they would stop at nothing to get that power.... and I mean they would do anything, and by anyhting I mean they would probably blow a lizard person if it meant power for them.

The following are lizard people collaborators who were in it for the power

Henry VIII

The English are a crafty lot and none more so than King Henry VIII. Seen here in a painting with his Lizard Person advisor

Queen Whichever is in Power Right Now

Like daughter, like great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grand father! And the English wonder why the world hates them!

Bill Clinton

The one we humans call Clin-ton seen here with Secretary for defense, or should I say Secretary for Lizard People, shame on you Clinton. We can forgive you for Monica but not this

Tony Blair

And to think that I once loved that cheeky smile of his. Damn you to hell Blair, you're better than this!

Saddam Hussein

Pretty easy to kill millions of people with an army of Lizard People behind you! Oh Saddam you asshole, you lovable lovable asshole

The Ones In It For Lizard People Treasure
The collaborator's who are collaborating for the treasure offered to them by the lizard are among the sneakiest of the collaborators as they don't care who stays in power so long as they have diamonds and the such to wear on an alomost daily basis. These people may even be a little retarded due to the fact that in a lizard people society diamonds and the such won't count for diddly squat. The only thing lizard people truly care for is the fur from rats from which they make their loincloths and/or smallclothes

Following are money hungry bastards

Flavor Flav

Look where he was getting all his boss crowns and wizard clocks from! Shame on you Flav, you brought us joy with Flavor of Love but crush our souls with your betrayal

Hugh O'Donoghue

Fame whore and curly headed fuck Hugh O'Donoghue with his ill gotten spoils

The Ones In It For The Fame
Among the most ruthless and stupid of the collaborators these people will stop at nothing to get their 15 minutes of fame. These people are willing to do ridiculous things to themselves so that they can become celebrities. If ever we deserved to be conquered by the Lizard People it's because of these people

Paris Hilton

And you all wondered how she became famous!!! Blowing several Lizard People every night, that's how!

The Cast of Jersey Shore
The orange people and their green master enjoying a day at the beach

The One's In It For Inter-Species Love
There are those among us whose sexual tastes have gone beyond what the internet can provide for them and theyhave turned to the Lizard People to help them live out their sickest fantasies. These "people" are merely in it looking for a good ride and possibly some snuggling afterwards

Victoria Beckham (aka Lizard Spice)

It seems David wasn't the only one playing away from home, or should I say species! Oooh!

Angelina Jolie

Angelina Jolie just couldn't get the right stuff from Brad so look who she turned to. Angelina, you are a sick sick woman and John Voight should be ashamed of you right now

Gene Simmons

Oh Gene, I kinda expected it from you to be honest, you just look weird and having a lizard person on your arm suits you so well

The Lizard People

The lizard people are a very real nad very dangerous threat to us all! What people don't realise is that lizard people are very adept at hiding and keeping to the shadows, not letting the ordinary Joe Soaps see them at all or their awful plans for humanity. The following is a brief background to The Lizard People

History of The Lizard People
The Lizard People and humans co-existed peacefully up to and including the 12th Century B.C. Humans and the lizard people lived side by side in peaceful harmony, enjoying a co-existence fueled by common hatred of the Mongoloids. The Mongoloids were terrible race of Mongs and Loids who tortured the humans and lizard people in equal amounts. In the 12th Century B.C. the humans and lizard people banded together to form an almighty army to destroy the Mongoloids once and for all. In a mighty battle, what was once called the War of Independance before being stricken from the records, the Mongoloids were smashed by the allied human-lizard person army and were driven into the oceans where they slowly evolved into jellyfish, forever taking their revenge by stinging unsuspecting people at the beach.

Following the War of Independance the lizard people population had been decimated almost entirely, being only one fifth the size. Seeing his advantage, the leader of the human army, Pharaoh Rameses III led his human army against the lizard people and in the ensuing battle killed their leader, whose name is lost to the ages.

The humans had thought that all the Lizard People were killed but a small contingent had survived the attack and remained waiting in the shadows to exact their revenge on their cruel human usurpers


Lizard People In Today's Society
It took the Lizard people thousands of years to overcome the human treachery and regain some of their former power but it wasn't until the 60's that they finally revealed themselves as the insane terrorists we humans always knew them to be...... with the assassination of JF Kennedy!

That's right Lizard People killed the only man who could have ever led an uprising of humans against them, those wily bastards!

And what about all the other bad stuff that's happened in this world? Think all that's just a coincidence? Don't be an idiot!

Richard Nixon
Nixon was in fact a Lizard man in disguise who was completely funded by lizard people funds

A photo of Nixon meeting with his Lizard People contact

What about all those terrible movies Hollywood likes to churn out? 'Epic Movie, Vampires Suck, Disaster Movie, etc. Think a human could have written such garbage? No, sir! This is a lizard people attempt at sabotaging our youth with awful movies. Just look at who directs these movies

Lizard Person in human disguise

And music? What about all those shitty artists out there whose music is shit and is dumbing down the population of the world today? Did you really think Justin Bieber got to be a huge hit merely from youtube hits? No! See the shocking revelation here!

Justin Bieber out for a stroll with his lizard person manager!

Damn you to hell Bieber you collaborating son of a bitch!

And on to their worst crime! The Lizard people have somehow managed to implant chips into each of our brains which can read our thoughts! Now, you may be asking what good is that to them? Well it means they know all of our secrets which they sell to consumer ad agencies who pay them top dollar to fund their lizard people schemes!

How did they get the chips in our brains I hear you screaming! Well, when the child is born it's taken out of the room for a few 'check-ups' to make sure it's 'healthy', well that's a damn lie, take a look at this photo I took in a hospital (which I won't divulge the name of, suffice to say that Lizard People are rampant in our hospitals) to see what really happens

Here we can clearly see a lizard doctor having completed the brain chip implant and looking quite pleased with himself

It is quite clear that the Lizard People are rampant in our society and that they must be crushed beneath the bootheel of our cruelty once again. And, so, dear friends I call upon you to do your part and proclaim with me 'Death To The Lizard People'


Lizard People Collaborators

Here are some photos of people who are known lizard people collaborators, if you see these people don't hesitate to give them a stern telling off!

The Corr sisters

Those bitches sold us up the river

Hugh O'Donoghue

Enjoy your Lizard People tiaras while you can O'Donoghue

Jay-Z

Inter-species love is uncool Jay-Z, super uncool!

Russell Brand

Russell Brand was among the first to collaborate

Bertie Aherne

Former Irish Taoiseach, Bertie Ahern, shares a bowl of shamrocks with the Lizard King!

An Interview With A Star... Jim Corr

Jim Corr


Through both lying and deception I managed to wrangle myself an interview with the drummer from legendary girl group The Corrs, Jim Corr himself. I had to tell him I was part of an underground faction who were fighting against the Lizard people and I needed an interview with him to put in our papmhlet. The following is the interview he gave....


The Lonely Martian: Mr Corr it's a pleasure to meet you in person finally.
Jim Corr: The pleasure is mine fellow freedom fighter. Before we begin though I would like to check that you still don't have the chip that high ranking lizard people have planted in your head *he takes from his pocket what appears to be spork (spoon fork) and gets up to approach me*

Luckily I had anticipated this and had made a small nick on the side of my forehead earlier in the week which I duly pointed to

TLM: That's alright Mr Corr, as you can see I've had mine removed, painful but worth it. No more shall they steal my thoughts so that the lizard people can sell them to companies like Microsoft and Coca Cola.
JC: *Looking a little disappointed sits back down but keeps the spork in one hand* Alright, I just had to make sure, you know?

TLM: Of course I understand it's a lizard people world out there and we have to make sure they don't steal our thoughts
JC: *Nods sagely* Damn straight! Now what kind of questions did you want to ask me

TLM: Well I was hoping to ask you some stuff about your work with the Corrs and then move on to lizard people questions, if that's alright?
JC: Sure no problem, just let me put on my interview hat *takes out tinfoil bowler hat which actually looks quite striking on him* This just makes sure that my super intelligent thought process isn't subsumed by the American Government to make money off the poor

Damn you America! Leave Jim Corr alone!

TLM: Of course, of course. Well my first question is; why did you join a band with your sisters? Why not start your own band?
JC: The answer to that is that nobody wanted to join a band with me, mostly because I wanted to sing songs about lizard people. So in the end my sisters took pity on me and let me join their band.

TLM: Quite nice of them
JC: Not really I only found out recently that most of our songs were subtle allegations of me being a complete nutjob. I did not enjoy that!

His stupidity leaves them breathless! Who knew?!?!

TLM: So you're saying that they're all bitches?
JC: Sure thing, nothing they like better than to bring a guy down with their celtic music.

TLM: So who was the worst?
JC: Oh defo Andrea, she was the worst near the end. She wasn't even being subtle, blatantly calling me an idiot right to my face!

TLM: You say 'near the end', near the end of what?
JC: Their reign of terror

TLM: Their reign of terror?
JC: Yes, you see I discovered that they were in fact lizard people collaborators! So I captured them and keep them locked up in the basement of my house trying to get answers from them about the lizard people's plans for humans

TLM: So this is why The Corrs broke up?
JC: Sure is! You didn't believe all that nonsense about solo careers, did you? Hah! Ol' Jim here has more than one trick up his sleeve!

TLM: How did you find out about their collaboration?
JC: Well I first thought there was something fishy about them when I realised they weren't calling me stupid in their songs anymore and the more I listened the more I heard the subliminal messages about obeying the lizard people overlords. One day I followed them and took this picture of them with some of the lizard people *He reached into his pocket and produced a picture which made me gasp most femininely*

Jim Corr was right all along! Or is a great photoshop technician!

TLM: Wow, Jim, this... this is amazing! Why haven't you shown this to anyone!
JC: Because everyone thinks I'm nuts, it's thanks to the subliminal messages in the music

TLM: Those bitches have gone too far!
JC: That's right, that's why I've been tortuting them the last few weeks to find out their plans

TLM: I want to help you Jim
JC: Well let's get to torturing them some more then....

We spent an eventful afternoon of torturing and laughing and drinking beers after that.

A couple of hours later when we had tortured them enough for one day we went back to the interview

TLM: I have to say Jim, that was a lot of fun
JC: Sure is, I don't think they know any of the lizard people plans but I do enjoy making them pay for their collaboration

TLM: Damn straight! I just have a couple more questions for you before I finish
JC: That's perfectly alright, fire away!

TLM: So what are your future plans for combating the lizard people?
JC: Well I have planned on making a new world government with me as the world president. I would bring in policies about every person in the world having their chips removed, set up roving death squads to combat the lizard people and I woud ban all music that doesn't involve singing about killing lizard people

Yes we can... defeat the lizard people!

TLM: Well you've certainly got my vote Mr. Corr, bags vice president! And finally, when you do become president of Earth, what will you do once the lizard people are eradicated?
JC: Why, isn't it obvious? I will declare intergalactic war on Jupiter!

TLM: Of course, why didn't I see it sooner! Well Mr Corr this was certainly an eye-opening experience, thank you for your time!
JC: No problem. Any time!

And that was how I came to torture the Corr sisters.... I mean my interview with Jim Corr went!

Death to the Lizard People!