Conspiracy? I Think So!

So, I assume we've all heard that Donald Trump has stated his intention to run in the next presidential election and has started his smear campaign already, questioning Obama's Americaninity!

But what you didn't know was the awful truth behind it all!

First off though we must look at the facts!

1. Barack Obama and Donald Trump both have names consisting of 11 letters each
2. The anagram of Donald Trump: Land Dump Rot. 
3. If we take the letters of Trumps name and Obamas we get 'A Marmot Pub'
4. Taking each letter from Trumps name and making it an acronym we get: D.emocrats O.k N.ow A.nd L.iking D.emocrats T.ops. R.ight U.nder M.y P.ropaganda!

I know you're looking at all this and wondering what I'm getting at. Well first of all the eleven letters is a clear reference to 9/11!!

And the anagram of his name; Land Dump Rot. What did America do in 1969, they landed on the moon to dump rotten waste!

Mixing the names and getting the anagram 'A Marmot Pub', is an obvious reference to the long standing fact that the Democrats have always wanted to open a pub dedicated to Marmots, if you don't know it's a type of squirrel.

The acronym of Trumps name is a blatant fuck you to the Republican party, that liking Democrats is ok now and that he's doing it even under all the propoganda he's spouting about Obama, which is in fact only strengthening Obama's ride to the re-election

And so, I, putting all these facts together have come up with a revelation that will shock the very world and bring it to it's knees:

"That the moon landing in 1969 was faked so sas to cover up the secret dumping of rotten waste in space by the American governemt at the time, 9/11 was a distraction invented to distract conspiracy theorists from this fact and exposing the plan by giving them something new to theorize about. This dumping of rotten waste in space was a way for the Democrats to save enough money to spearhead their ultimate goal of opening a pub dedicated to the creature they most revere in all of the world 'The Marmot'."


And who was behind it all? Well isn't it obvious? It was the most cunning, cleverest, ingenious mastermind of them all.... Flava Flav

You diabolical genius! Damn you and your Marmot themed pub to hell!

Down The Pub

"You're nuts" he declared, slamming a hammy fist down on the oaken counter-top, the sudden outburst drawing enquiring glances form other patrons of the bar. He sheepishly looked around, his ruddy face taking on a deeper shade of red. Turning back to me, he lowered his voice "You're crazy, there is now way he was the best. To begin with he was too greedy and was not a team player"

I leaned forward on the bar stool, pointing a finger at him, dirt from the days work still lingering under the nail, "And what would you know, ya dope? The last time you togged out for anything was to be the anchor at the local sports day tug-a-war, and we all know the reason why they even asked ya for that!" I said punctuating my point with a jab to his protruding stomach

He coughed and sputtered for a moment before regaining his composure and slapped my hand out of the way, "You think you know it all, Mr. High and Mighty"

"Well I did kit out for my county after all" I said, drawing myself up on the stool and looking down on my companion

"That was one time and the only reason that happened was because of a clerical error, ya eejit!"

I grunted and turned back to lean on the counter, looking in the mirror I saw the door open and admit a fine looking young brunette and her friend. I watched as she placed a hand in front of her mouth and laughed as they took their seat in the corner of the bar. Nudging the big man in the ribs and nodding behind me, I continued my vigilence of the local talent. He turned around awkwardly in his place to blatantly look at her as I raised my eyes heavenward

Turning back, he gave me a lecherous smile. "She's a fine bit"

"As if she'd ever be interested in a lump like you!"

He thumped me on the arm, "Feck ya, I'm handsome!"

"You're about as handsome as  a slapped pig"

"And you're...."

His insult was interrupted by the sound of two glasses clinking down on the counter. We both swung around to see Jimmy, the owner, standing there with two glasses of amber godness.

"On the house boys, ye did a fine job ploughing me field this morning"

Without uttering a word we snatched up our glasses and took a deep swig, as Jimmy turned away

As we finished off the drinks Jimmy turned back to us, "And for the record, Michael Donnellan was the best footballer this country's ever seen...."

Scene 5 From Screenplay of the Century 'Hot Fever'

This is the fifth scene from my movie about revenge

Scene 5

Int: Prison cell – Day – Kurt Russell is groggily awakening from his brutal beating that has left him with two black eyes and cuts and scrapes all over his face. He groans and sits up, looking around to see where he is

Kurt Russell

Ah fuck, I’m in a goddamn prison cell again, this is not good

Guy

Sure is not my lovely boy

Kurt Russell

Who are you and don’t call me ‘lovely boy’ again?

Guy

Oh I’m just an admirer of that pretty face of yours, my velvet faced pretty

Kurt Russell

Oh my fuck, they put me in with a fucking weirdo

Kurt stands up and walks over to the bars of the prison and starts shouting

Kurt Russell

Hey let me the fuck out, I didn’t do anything wrong, I’m a victim of police entrapment

Guy

Police entrapment? What do you mean, my silken love doodle

Kurt Russell

Well you see the police pretended to be fome firemen and tricked me into pulling over out of their way, and then they had the cheek to tell me I had crashed into a hot dog stand and that that I had been sitting in my car for an hour without realising! They fucking tricked me and lied to me

Guy

Oh my, that sounds awful. I got tricked too you know. I thought it was legal to flash in public but apparently it’s not

The guy walks up beid eKurt and slips an arm around his waist, Kurt shrugs it off irritably and turns to th guy

Kurt Russell

Look you fucking weirdo, I want nothing to do with your perversion so just leave me alone or I’ll roundhouse kick you into the middle of next week, where I’ll be waiting to roundhouse kick you back to this moment. You got that?

Guy

Oh sure, you just talk dirty to me and I’ll listen, mmm, you are a very pretty young man aren’t you.

Kurt Russell

You sir are deranged

Guy

That’s it, more stuff like that, you make me so hot

A police man approaches the cell and opens the door

Cop

Russell, Kurt. You’re free to go. Now get the hell outta here

Guy

Oh no, don’t say that, keep him locked up a while longer. Say you will, please!

Kurt Russell

Get me the fuck out of here

Guy

Look me up when I get out my chiselled Adonis

Kurt Russell flips him off and walks out of the cell

Kurt Russell

So who let me out Bro?

Cop

I ain’t your bro and it was some broad, said she was your lawyer

Kurt Russell

A lawyer? I’m Kurt Roundhouse Kickin Russell, I don’t need fuckin pansy ass shit like a lawyer

Cop

Whatever, she’s quite a looker though!

The two walk out into the atrium of the police station to see a beautiful woman standing there, staring at Kurt Russell as he walks out.

Lawyer

Mr Russell I assume

Kurt Russell

Yeah, who’s asking?

Lawyer

My name is Miss Busey, I was Mr Browne’s lawyer and I was the one who bailed you out of prison

Kurt Russell

That sounds weird. Why would you do something weird like that

Miss Busey

Because Mr Browne stip…

Kurt gives her a smug smile

Kurt Russell

It’s cos you love the K-Dog ain’t it. Big Poppa Bukowski got your motor runnin’ eh?

Mr Busey

Mr Russell, I can assure you my interest has nothing to do with sex. I only did this because you were missing for the reading of the will and Mr Browne stipulated in his will that you were to bailed out if, and I quote, “If Kurt does something stupid after I die and gets himself locked up then some of my money should be used to bail the stupid son of a bitch out of prison”

Kurt still not listening to her and is now flexing his guns

Kurt Russell

So when are we gonna knock boots then? Do the nasty tango? Bump uglies? More sexual reference! Boom! Kurt Russell is into you!

Miss Busey

Mr Russell all I am going to do is drive you hoe and then that will be the end of our dealings

Kurt Russell

Sure thing doll face, whatever you say. We should stop at a pharmacy first to pick up some johnnies!

Miss Busey rolls her eyes and makes an irritated noise

Miss Busey

Come on Mr Russell, the sooner I get you home the sooner I can

Kurt Russell

Get into my bed! Boom, Kurt Russell is on fire!

Miss Busey

Sigh!!!!

Kurt Russell

Alright let’s go, I gots a boner that just won’t quit like that ass of oyurs

Monkey Shocked By Movie Endings

Do not read this if you don't want your movie spoiled by the ending!

 Sixth Sense

 The Crying Game

 Citizen Kane

 The Usual Suspects

 Planet of The Apes

A Beautiful Mind

The Truth Behind The Bin Laden Killing!

Do you, like me, find that there was something fishy behind the death of Osama Bin Laden? Do you feel like it was a bit too easy for them to have found him after eluding them for almost ten years? Well here's the truth about who actually led to Bin Laden's death

The Lizard People!!


That's right it was, once again, those pesky Lizard People, I told you about them but would you listen, no!

They're everywhere and once again they have orchestrated the death of someone who was too radical for them to have around the place messing with their plans of mass human enslavement!

Why, I hear you asking, would they want to have him killed now when they could have done it years ago! Well, don't ask me because I'm not a Lizard Person and I have no idea how they think but here are some theories I have come up with:

1. Bin Laden was in fact a Lizard Person collaborator himself and betrayed them over something, which led to his death
2. Bin Laden found their secret HQ somewhere in Pakistan and they just had to kill him over that knowledge
3. The Lizard People are just nuts and wanted to kill someone infamous
4. Obama's re-election is coming up and he's a Lizard Person collaborator and the death of Bin Laden greatly increased his chances of being re-elected
5. Bin Laden was a Lizard Person who went renegade and tried to help the humans start a revolution! 
6. He had a stupid looking beard

Now, I know what everyone is thinking, that it's too easy to just blame the Lizard people, that this just sounds like a crazy plot for a Hollywood movie, where's your goddamn proof? Well, I have received images from a secret source over in Pakistan who sent them to me yesterday and, well, let's just say that they make for some very interesting looking indeed. The following images prove that the Lizard People were in fact implicit in the killing of Osama Bin Laden

 

Here we can see a lizard person sneaking up on Bin Laden as he does his morning talk show routine! He didn't actually have a talk show but he was obsessed with Loose Women and wanted to be on their show one day and he practised every day for it

 

And here we can see a Lizard Person's hand finishing the job, choking the life out of Bin Laden. He did quite a number on his face, didn't he? Must have been quite the angry about whatever it was Bin Laden did to them

I apologize for the lack of a quality photo but my inside source only had a disposable camera on him at the time but as you can see this is incontrovertible proof of The Lizard People's hand in all this! Just make sure to keep an eye out for Lizard People in your life or you never know what will happen next. Can you trust anyone? What about that guy looking at you as you read this? What about your friends? Your own siblings? Your parents? Can you really trust anyone not to be a lizard person or a lizard person collaborator? I certainly don't! That's why I plan on becoming a hermit! In fact I don't trust anyone reading this right now! How do I know you're not in league with them! Goddammit, everyone is against me!

The Bearded Wonder

The Outraged Hipster and Sexist Dick Memes

Who's The Sidekick?

An argument about who the sidekick is and something else involving sore feet and heartburn!

A Chat Between Friends

A chat between two friends as they meet in front of the liberry on college campus!

The Most Eloquent Put Downs Ever

This man is so eloquent in his put-downs that you may not even know that he has made you look a fool until you take a look in the dictionary

Double Standards? What Double Standards?

The double standards of this woman is enough to drive any man to having a hissy fit!!!