Scene 5
Int: Prison cell – Day – Kurt Russell is groggily awakening from his brutal beating that has left him with two black eyes and cuts and scrapes all over his face. He groans and sits up, looking around to see where he is
Kurt Russell
Ah fuck, I’m in a goddamn prison cell again, this is not good
Guy
Sure is not my lovely boy
Kurt Russell
Who are you and don’t call me ‘lovely boy’ again?
Guy
Oh I’m just an admirer of that pretty face of yours, my velvet faced pretty
Kurt Russell
Oh my fuck, they put me in with a fucking weirdo
Kurt stands up and walks over to the bars of the prison and starts shouting
Kurt Russell
Hey let me the fuck out, I didn’t do anything wrong, I’m a victim of police entrapment
Guy
Police entrapment? What do you mean, my silken love doodle
Kurt Russell
Well you see the police pretended to be fome firemen and tricked me into pulling over out of their way, and then they had the cheek to tell me I had crashed into a hot dog stand and that that I had been sitting in my car for an hour without realising! They fucking tricked me and lied to me
Guy
Oh my, that sounds awful. I got tricked too you know. I thought it was legal to flash in public but apparently it’s not
The guy walks up beid eKurt and slips an arm around his waist, Kurt shrugs it off irritably and turns to th guy
Kurt Russell
Look you fucking weirdo, I want nothing to do with your perversion so just leave me alone or I’ll roundhouse kick you into the middle of next week, where I’ll be waiting to roundhouse kick you back to this moment. You got that?
Guy
Oh sure, you just talk dirty to me and I’ll listen, mmm, you are a very pretty young man aren’t you.
Kurt Russell
You sir are deranged
Guy
That’s it, more stuff like that, you make me so hot
A police man approaches the cell and opens the door
Cop
Russell, Kurt. You’re free to go. Now get the hell outta here
Guy
Oh no, don’t say that, keep him locked up a while longer. Say you will, please!
Kurt Russell
Get me the fuck out of here
Guy
Look me up when I get out my chiselled Adonis
Kurt Russell flips him off and walks out of the cell
Kurt Russell
So who let me out Bro?
Cop
I ain’t your bro and it was some broad, said she was your lawyer
Kurt Russell
A lawyer? I’m Kurt Roundhouse Kickin Russell, I don’t need fuckin pansy ass shit like a lawyer
Cop
Whatever, she’s quite a looker though!
The two walk out into the atrium of the police station to see a beautiful woman standing there, staring at Kurt Russell as he walks out.
Lawyer
Mr Russell I assume
Kurt Russell
Yeah, who’s asking?
Lawyer
My name is Miss Busey, I was Mr Browne’s lawyer and I was the one who bailed you out of prison
Kurt Russell
That sounds weird. Why would you do something weird like that
Miss Busey
Because Mr Browne stip…
Kurt gives her a smug smile
Kurt Russell
It’s cos you love the K-Dog ain’t it. Big Poppa Bukowski got your motor runnin’ eh?
Mr Busey
Mr Russell, I can assure you my interest has nothing to do with sex. I only did this because you were missing for the reading of the will and Mr Browne stipulated in his will that you were to bailed out if, and I quote, “If Kurt does something stupid after I die and gets himself locked up then some of my money should be used to bail the stupid son of a bitch out of prison”
Kurt still not listening to her and is now flexing his guns
Kurt Russell
So when are we gonna knock boots then? Do the nasty tango? Bump uglies? More sexual reference! Boom! Kurt Russell is into you!
Miss Busey
Mr Russell all I am going to do is drive you hoe and then that will be the end of our dealings
Kurt Russell
Sure thing doll face, whatever you say. We should stop at a pharmacy first to pick up some johnnies!
Miss Busey rolls her eyes and makes an irritated noise
Miss Busey
Come on Mr Russell, the sooner I get you home the sooner I can
Kurt Russell
Get into my bed! Boom, Kurt Russell is on fire!
Miss Busey
Sigh!!!!
Kurt Russell
Alright let’s go, I gots a boner that just won’t quit like that ass of oyurs
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