The Lizard People and You: Coping With Slavery

With the inevitable rise of the lizard people and the subjugation of all mankind just over the horizon I'd like to share a few excerpts from my new how-to guide "The Lizard People and You : Coping With Slavery". Covered in my novel will be neat tips to help make your slavery less terrible and you may even avoid death!

Chapter 1 : Surrender!

When that first wave of lizard people comes thundering over the hill and starts mowing down your brave and noble compatriots, do the smart thing and surrender. Take the old age adage of "he who fights and runs away will live to fight another day" and throw it out the door, that one is stupid and is more than likely gonna get you killed, and use my new and improved one of "he who doesn't fight and surrenders will live forever and a day".

So when that first platoon of lizard men infantry kills off the first battalion of earths defenses you just scoff derisively at their stupidity take out your home-made white flag (for those of you who don't have a white flag there is a section in the back of the book with hints and tips on making that perfect white flag from things lying around your home), drop to your knees and proclaim loudly "I surrender to my superior lizard overlords" while waving your falg in a non threatening manner.

Chapter 4 : Obedience

When all of humanity is eventually enslaved and the lizard people have taken their place as overlords of Earth you don't want to be doing something silly like joining the resistance or standing up for some sort of basic human rights. The lizard people while sharing some of our features and body shape are completely devoid of mercy, pity and humour, so you certainly don't want to be vying for human rights with some cleverly worded puns. 


What you need to be doing is knuckling down and getting used to soul crushing work and back breaking labour. Just do your job as well as you can. Do not for any reason stand out from the crowd, you want to blend in seemlessly with the rest of the slaves. You need to  lie low and wait for that moment to ingratiate yourself with the lizard people, covered in ch. 9


Chapter 9 : Snitching

Now I know snitching doesn't sound great but once you get into a few years of sould crushing work and drudgery of being a slave you'll be aching for that grunt or hiss of approval from your lizard person owner. After a while you may even realise that snitching is what you were born to do. Although, for those of you not born to snitch you will have to work on it

The first couple of times you snitch on your fellow slaves you may feel somewhat bad but hey, better them than you, am I right? So to overcome this feeling of guilt, snitch on them in private or at least away from judging expressions. As you get used  to this and become less and less of a human with each snitch you should be capable of doing it to that persons face, literally pointing at them and declaring their crime. At that point the sight of their tears and the sounds of their tears will actualy bring you much sexual gratification. At a certain point you'll give up on actually finding out real crimes and just start making them up, all so that you can hear that first, sweet scream send a wave of pleasure through you, her terrified eyes looking right at you as they drag her away for torture and death. Simply sublime!




My book is available in all good books... aw, who am I kidding my book is only available to people who ask for it. Upon which I will write it out in crayon for them as I can't afford a printer. So please drop me a bell if you want to get a copy of my book. I'll even sign the first five copies

Being The Messiah : Not As Easy As You Might Think

Now for all you people who have read the Bible, not including me I just found out what a "Bible" was from a thing called "wikipedia", the main source for all my information, anyway, for anyone who has read the Bible or is aware of a man called Jesus then you might think being the Messiah is easy but I tell you it's not! You might think it's all miracles this and parables that, with an awesome crucifixion followed by resurrection at the end but it's not

I first realised I was the Messiah when I heard a blind, smelly prophet proclaiming stuff in Hyde Park one sunny afternoon. Things like "the Messiah is amongst us", "he will bring judgment day upon us", "he has returned" and "be afraid, be very very afraid".

Well, I thought to myself, this ice cream has melted all over my hand while listening to him, what a mess. As I cleaned the sticky ice cream from my hands with a few well practiced licks some of the words the prophet had said began to sink in. I am amongst us, I had returned, why I was in Southampton just the week before had returned on Sunday and I was always afraid, afraid that somewhere, somehow a duck was watching me. I don't know about bringing judment day upon us but it sounds like something I could do if I put my mind to it. As I licked the last of the ice cream from my hand I decided I'd sleep on it and decide in the morning whether I was the messiah or not.

The next morning I woke up and I felt different, I felt messianic. I was ready to go out and spread the good word, perform miracles and in general inspire people to be as good as me. I got up and did my regular morning ritual, masturbating for twp hours straight. I put on my robes and sandals and went out into the world to spread the message. The Messiah had returned and he was the shizz.

As i wandered the streets wondering where i should begin as the second coming of the Messiah i cane across a crippled man begging in the streets. This is it i thought to myself, my first miracle. I approached the man who was mumbling something about change and beer.

"Good sir" I exclaimed loudly, "Prepare to have your life changes irrevocably"
"Hey guy, piss off, you're scaring off my customers"
"Don't worry sir, I will heal you"
I spread my hands over his legs and started to chant the song to A-Ha' one hit wonder 'I'll Be There'
"I said fuck off mate"
I didn't hear him too well as I was really belting out the song now, quite impressed with my own ability to hit the high notes. By now the guy was almost overcome with joy, his face reddening with hope as I performed my first miracle. As I finished the song the man jumped up and sucker punched me in the solar plexus before grabbing his things and running off. Coughing and wheezing I turned to the crowd of people who had come to watch, who as it turned out were just an elderly German couple and some teenager.
"Behold, before he was crippled and now he walks and even runs. A miracle"
I took a small bow as the elderly German couple applauded.
"Hey mate" the teen called out to me, "That guy wasn't crippled, 'e was must scammin fools like these two!"
"I think you're mistaken my good sir, what you have seen is the first miracle of the second coming of the messiah"

With another bow I took my leave to continue my journey.

To be continued.....

Being Wizard

Being Wizard : 3 Steps To A More Wizard You

Now for all you warlocks, druids, shamans, voodoo priests etc. I didn't say 'being a wizard' I said 'being wizard', as in the British slang for being cool. So if you want to walk down the street and have people exclaim "that guy is so wizard" or "Wizard! That guy defines wizard", or even "I wish I was as wizard as him/her!" then follow these steps

1. Dress Wizard


Anyone can wear clothes but not everyone's clothes are wizard. First things first get rid of all your trousers, pants, shorts, basically anything you wear on your legs that aren't jhorts. For those who aren't in the know jorts are shortened term for jean shorts and are the only clothing you should wear on your legs, ever! Of course you can wear something else but you'll just look absurd!
Wear whatever shoes you like just never wear socks. Socks are the manacles of the common man and will only hold you back from looking truly wizard
On top you should only ever wear deep cut v-neck tees with absurdly short sleeves, nothing else will do.  Literally nothing else because the combination of jorts + no socks + anything but v necks = you looking stupid! And you don't want to look stupid do you? Do you? Of course you don't, nobody does or do they? Boris Johnson perhaps? Anyway, wear this combination of clothes and you will always look wizard!

2. Act Wizard

Acting wizard isn't hard, not hard at all. Firstly you need to be dressed like a wizard. Then follow this one simple rule to act wizard;
Once dressed like a wizard walk around with a smug, self satisfied air, like you've accomplished something but in fact not done anything at all. In fact the less you've done and the more self satisfied and smug you are the more wizard you will look.

Just remember to follow that one simple step and you'll have everyone jealous of your wizard attitude. Remember less humble, less modest, more smug, more self satisfied and you're on your way

3. Owning Wizard Things

If you want to be wizard then own wizard things. The only two things you really need to own are an iPhone and a Macbook. However just owning these won't mean you're wizard you need to let peple know you own these wizad items.

With your iPhone, take it out at every opportunity to show it off, you might be pretending to answer a call or look at a text but once its out and you've seen someone  glance momentarily at it then make sure he/she knows all about it and how great it is to own one. Show that person all the apps, ask siri some question, just go on and on and on about it. After a long time this person will know how wizard you and your iPhone are

With your macbook get straight down to your local cafe. A Starbucks would be best but I think Costa or Caffe Nero would be fine, basically anything that's a coffee chain. Once there you need to get a table near the middle of the cafe and need to set up your mac before you even order a coffee. Once you ha e your coffee and have sat down tapping the keyboard aimlessly for a while turn around to your closest neighbour or whoever is in the cafe and loudly exclaim any of the following statements
"Oh boy writing screenplays is much easier when you have a MacBook!"
"I'm glad I have a MacBook, if I had a PC then I know I'd have writers block, ha ha ha"
"I have a MacBook, how great am I?"
"Macbook!"


Conclusion
Being wizard is simple, all you have to do is folks the simple rules I set out for you and you'll be looking wizard in no time. Anyway that's all for now, I have to check something on my iPhone before getting back to writing my screenplay on my MacBook  (so much better than writing it on a silly old PC, plots and characters just seem better on a MacBook somehow). Then I have to go do my laundry, luckily now that I'm a total wizard all I have to clean are jorts and tees.

Writing A Chuck Lorre Comedy In A Few Easy Steps

For all those aspiring screenwriters out there who can't seem to catch a break and get their great ideas in the big and/or small screen here are a few simple steps to follow that has made Chuck Lorre a huge success in todays ADHD world of channel flipping. So my fellow screenplay writers, throw down your Starbucks coffees and turn your MacBook to 'full steam ahead' (that's a Mac term, right?) and lets get writing

1. Setting

First of all you need to set your series in a place that is easy for people to relate to. For example at home, a la Two and a Half Men, Dharma and Greg, big Bang Theory (actually I think all Chuck Lorre series are set primarily in the homplace so this one is a no brainer, just set your series in the home of your characters).

I hear what you're saying fellow writers, "That's been done a hundred times over, I can't copy that", or "What about setting it in a pawn shop, that's cool and artsy like me" or "Mine's set in an antiquery which is even more artsy than a pawn shop" and even "Mine's set in a metaphysical world where everybody is no one and nobody is everyone else". So put away your quirky settings and set the series at home, be that house or flat

2. Characters

When creating your characters don't make them too complicated, best to not even give them a three dimensial personality. Make the character so shallow that in turning to the side they would disappear and never return. People like simple and easy, too complicated and they're flipping over to Jersey Shore where everyone is so shallowyou could barely fill a thimble with their personalities.

Take Chuck Lorre's example: Two and A Half Men; Charlie- Sex crazed booze hound, Alan- Sex crazed weirdo. Neither of these characters had personalities evolved past their constant sex talk. Here's how one episode usually goes

Charlie: I just had so much sex
Alan: And I had no sex
Audience: Ha ha, one guy had sex and the other didn't, classic Two and a Half Men!

Then just take this and repeat in slightly different ways for 24 episodes and shazam you got yourself a tv series

3.Plot Devices

Keep your plots simple, do not delve too much into plot detail, this is a must! If you don't want your audience flipping over to Jersey Shore again, where the plot usually involves either sex or fighting, then you keep the plot to an absolute minimum. You don't want several subtle subplots confusing your audience.

Take Chuck Lorre's Big Bang Theory for example: This series involved two geeky guys living across from a hot popular girl (nothing complicated so far). An episode usually involved someting like this:

Geek #1: Hey, do you want to come with us to (insert geek activity here)
Hot Girl: I don't know what that means, is it something to do with shoes/fashion/drinking? (any one of the three is fine)
Audience: Ha ha, they don't understand each other because one is a geek and the other is popular, it's like they're speaking a different language, classic Big Bang theory!

And, as before, repeat this process in various, only slightly different ways, for 24 episodes and you got yourself an amazing tv series


So there you go, three easy steps in creating your very own tv series. Tune in next time when I take these helpful tips and write the pilot episode to my very own Chuck Lorre tv series

Nicolas Cage: Greatest Actor Ever?

In answer to that initial question: Yes, yes he is the greatest actor of all time, of all time. I said of all time twice there because he may be the greatest actor in two parallel worlds. That's right Nicolas Cage exists just as he is in an alternate universe where he is exactly the same and insanely insane. Nicolas Cage is the man we hate to love, while we'll never admit to liking his movies to our friends while chillin' in the local cafe and writing our various novels/screenplays, etc, etc, while in reality in our heart of hearts we all love a bitta Nic Cage in our lives

I hear what you're saying peeps of the internet; "How is this possible?" "No he's not" and the ever classic "This isn't the porn link I clicked on!"

Well, just hear me out or go back to the link and click it again, it's probably just broken.

Firstly Nicolas Cage is the nephew of Francis Ford Coppola, the director of the Godfather franchise, and could have skated by on that name, ie, Nicolas Coppola, but instead he changed his name to forge his way into our hearts and into the history books!

Nicolas Cage has starred in 68 movies! You heard right, that's 68 goshdarn movies. The man is only 47 for crying out loud (which I do, often and repeatedly cos I'm desperately lonely. Women of the internet please mail me on you phone numbers and maybe we could get together. I know a nice little place down the street where we could get dinner, maybe see a movie after, who knows I might even bring you to the illegal endangered animal fighting ring I sometimes frequent with my chums. But I'm going off on a tangent here and Nicolas Cage doesn't believe in tangents, nor does he believe that fish can breathe underwater, don't ask me why but apparently that's the case, something about snorkels and underwater cities, don't ask him about it, it sounds interesting but he just goes on and on and on about it). For a man who started acting in the 80's that's pretty much two and a half movies a year.

And then there's the actualy movies he's starred in. You say he hasn't been in good movies but in reality he has, like loads of good movies, for example, National Treasure, Face/Off, Con Air, Raising Arizona to name but a few. I would name all 68 of his movies but this is not a list about his movies only a list of why he is so great and amazing and perfect and handsome. Do you really think any of these movies would have been better without Nic Cage, no, they would have been truly awful and I mean awful. You take the lead character out of a movie and all you have is a load of supporting actors trying to fill the void left behind by Nic Cage, the man is irreplacable.

The sheer breadth of his acting career, have you ever seen an ctor star in so many varied genres of movies. This is a man not bound by the strictures of normal script choosing. He does not go by quality of script nor calibre of director not even does he go for the good supporting cast. No, Nic Cage makes all his decisions based on the wheel from Twister, but instead of various colours he just has the genres of various movies sellotaped on. He's got a pile of scripts in front of him he just gives that wheel a spin and BAM! you got yourself Season of The Witch SHAZAM! Gone in 60 Seconds POW! Captain Corelli's Mandelin KABOOM Ghost Rider

Have you seen the man in a moustache? this one doesn't even need explaining. Just behold and revel in the glory that is a demi-god

Not only that but have you ever been sitting at home or in the cinema watching a movie and just said to yourself, "Do you know who would be better in that role?" Answer: "Nicolas Cage". The answer is always Nicolas Cage (even 2+2= Nicolas Cage but that's Cagenomics, a new and total global market saving version of economics that I invented. There's not many rules to be bound to, you pretty much accept every job or offer of any sort and then spend you're money like it's going to self destruct in 20 minutes) Come with me on a magic boat ride down River Nicolas as I tell you how some movies could have been Cageified; Twilight- Nicolas Cage as Edward, Titanic- Cage as Rose, Avatar- All the blue guys resemble Nic Cage. So next time you're watching a shitty movie just imagine what it would be like with Nic Cage as the star

I just hope that when Nic Cage dies, if ever, and ascends to his rightful place atop Mount Olympus that there will be someone else to take his place

And if none of those reasons can convinve you then check this, the man might even be immortal.