Being The Messiah : Not As Easy As You Might Think

Now for all you people who have read the Bible, not including me I just found out what a "Bible" was from a thing called "wikipedia", the main source for all my information, anyway, for anyone who has read the Bible or is aware of a man called Jesus then you might think being the Messiah is easy but I tell you it's not! You might think it's all miracles this and parables that, with an awesome crucifixion followed by resurrection at the end but it's not

I first realised I was the Messiah when I heard a blind, smelly prophet proclaiming stuff in Hyde Park one sunny afternoon. Things like "the Messiah is amongst us", "he will bring judgment day upon us", "he has returned" and "be afraid, be very very afraid".

Well, I thought to myself, this ice cream has melted all over my hand while listening to him, what a mess. As I cleaned the sticky ice cream from my hands with a few well practiced licks some of the words the prophet had said began to sink in. I am amongst us, I had returned, why I was in Southampton just the week before had returned on Sunday and I was always afraid, afraid that somewhere, somehow a duck was watching me. I don't know about bringing judment day upon us but it sounds like something I could do if I put my mind to it. As I licked the last of the ice cream from my hand I decided I'd sleep on it and decide in the morning whether I was the messiah or not.

The next morning I woke up and I felt different, I felt messianic. I was ready to go out and spread the good word, perform miracles and in general inspire people to be as good as me. I got up and did my regular morning ritual, masturbating for twp hours straight. I put on my robes and sandals and went out into the world to spread the message. The Messiah had returned and he was the shizz.

As i wandered the streets wondering where i should begin as the second coming of the Messiah i cane across a crippled man begging in the streets. This is it i thought to myself, my first miracle. I approached the man who was mumbling something about change and beer.

"Good sir" I exclaimed loudly, "Prepare to have your life changes irrevocably"
"Hey guy, piss off, you're scaring off my customers"
"Don't worry sir, I will heal you"
I spread my hands over his legs and started to chant the song to A-Ha' one hit wonder 'I'll Be There'
"I said fuck off mate"
I didn't hear him too well as I was really belting out the song now, quite impressed with my own ability to hit the high notes. By now the guy was almost overcome with joy, his face reddening with hope as I performed my first miracle. As I finished the song the man jumped up and sucker punched me in the solar plexus before grabbing his things and running off. Coughing and wheezing I turned to the crowd of people who had come to watch, who as it turned out were just an elderly German couple and some teenager.
"Behold, before he was crippled and now he walks and even runs. A miracle"
I took a small bow as the elderly German couple applauded.
"Hey mate" the teen called out to me, "That guy wasn't crippled, 'e was must scammin fools like these two!"
"I think you're mistaken my good sir, what you have seen is the first miracle of the second coming of the messiah"

With another bow I took my leave to continue my journey.

To be continued.....