Writing A Chuck Lorre Comedy In A Few Easy Steps

For all those aspiring screenwriters out there who can't seem to catch a break and get their great ideas in the big and/or small screen here are a few simple steps to follow that has made Chuck Lorre a huge success in todays ADHD world of channel flipping. So my fellow screenplay writers, throw down your Starbucks coffees and turn your MacBook to 'full steam ahead' (that's a Mac term, right?) and lets get writing

1. Setting

First of all you need to set your series in a place that is easy for people to relate to. For example at home, a la Two and a Half Men, Dharma and Greg, big Bang Theory (actually I think all Chuck Lorre series are set primarily in the homplace so this one is a no brainer, just set your series in the home of your characters).

I hear what you're saying fellow writers, "That's been done a hundred times over, I can't copy that", or "What about setting it in a pawn shop, that's cool and artsy like me" or "Mine's set in an antiquery which is even more artsy than a pawn shop" and even "Mine's set in a metaphysical world where everybody is no one and nobody is everyone else". So put away your quirky settings and set the series at home, be that house or flat

2. Characters

When creating your characters don't make them too complicated, best to not even give them a three dimensial personality. Make the character so shallow that in turning to the side they would disappear and never return. People like simple and easy, too complicated and they're flipping over to Jersey Shore where everyone is so shallowyou could barely fill a thimble with their personalities.

Take Chuck Lorre's example: Two and A Half Men; Charlie- Sex crazed booze hound, Alan- Sex crazed weirdo. Neither of these characters had personalities evolved past their constant sex talk. Here's how one episode usually goes

Charlie: I just had so much sex
Alan: And I had no sex
Audience: Ha ha, one guy had sex and the other didn't, classic Two and a Half Men!

Then just take this and repeat in slightly different ways for 24 episodes and shazam you got yourself a tv series

3.Plot Devices

Keep your plots simple, do not delve too much into plot detail, this is a must! If you don't want your audience flipping over to Jersey Shore again, where the plot usually involves either sex or fighting, then you keep the plot to an absolute minimum. You don't want several subtle subplots confusing your audience.

Take Chuck Lorre's Big Bang Theory for example: This series involved two geeky guys living across from a hot popular girl (nothing complicated so far). An episode usually involved someting like this:

Geek #1: Hey, do you want to come with us to (insert geek activity here)
Hot Girl: I don't know what that means, is it something to do with shoes/fashion/drinking? (any one of the three is fine)
Audience: Ha ha, they don't understand each other because one is a geek and the other is popular, it's like they're speaking a different language, classic Big Bang theory!

And, as before, repeat this process in various, only slightly different ways, for 24 episodes and you got yourself an amazing tv series


So there you go, three easy steps in creating your very own tv series. Tune in next time when I take these helpful tips and write the pilot episode to my very own Chuck Lorre tv series

Nicolas Cage: Greatest Actor Ever?

In answer to that initial question: Yes, yes he is the greatest actor of all time, of all time. I said of all time twice there because he may be the greatest actor in two parallel worlds. That's right Nicolas Cage exists just as he is in an alternate universe where he is exactly the same and insanely insane. Nicolas Cage is the man we hate to love, while we'll never admit to liking his movies to our friends while chillin' in the local cafe and writing our various novels/screenplays, etc, etc, while in reality in our heart of hearts we all love a bitta Nic Cage in our lives

I hear what you're saying peeps of the internet; "How is this possible?" "No he's not" and the ever classic "This isn't the porn link I clicked on!"

Well, just hear me out or go back to the link and click it again, it's probably just broken.

Firstly Nicolas Cage is the nephew of Francis Ford Coppola, the director of the Godfather franchise, and could have skated by on that name, ie, Nicolas Coppola, but instead he changed his name to forge his way into our hearts and into the history books!

Nicolas Cage has starred in 68 movies! You heard right, that's 68 goshdarn movies. The man is only 47 for crying out loud (which I do, often and repeatedly cos I'm desperately lonely. Women of the internet please mail me on you phone numbers and maybe we could get together. I know a nice little place down the street where we could get dinner, maybe see a movie after, who knows I might even bring you to the illegal endangered animal fighting ring I sometimes frequent with my chums. But I'm going off on a tangent here and Nicolas Cage doesn't believe in tangents, nor does he believe that fish can breathe underwater, don't ask me why but apparently that's the case, something about snorkels and underwater cities, don't ask him about it, it sounds interesting but he just goes on and on and on about it). For a man who started acting in the 80's that's pretty much two and a half movies a year.

And then there's the actualy movies he's starred in. You say he hasn't been in good movies but in reality he has, like loads of good movies, for example, National Treasure, Face/Off, Con Air, Raising Arizona to name but a few. I would name all 68 of his movies but this is not a list about his movies only a list of why he is so great and amazing and perfect and handsome. Do you really think any of these movies would have been better without Nic Cage, no, they would have been truly awful and I mean awful. You take the lead character out of a movie and all you have is a load of supporting actors trying to fill the void left behind by Nic Cage, the man is irreplacable.

The sheer breadth of his acting career, have you ever seen an ctor star in so many varied genres of movies. This is a man not bound by the strictures of normal script choosing. He does not go by quality of script nor calibre of director not even does he go for the good supporting cast. No, Nic Cage makes all his decisions based on the wheel from Twister, but instead of various colours he just has the genres of various movies sellotaped on. He's got a pile of scripts in front of him he just gives that wheel a spin and BAM! you got yourself Season of The Witch SHAZAM! Gone in 60 Seconds POW! Captain Corelli's Mandelin KABOOM Ghost Rider

Have you seen the man in a moustache? this one doesn't even need explaining. Just behold and revel in the glory that is a demi-god

Not only that but have you ever been sitting at home or in the cinema watching a movie and just said to yourself, "Do you know who would be better in that role?" Answer: "Nicolas Cage". The answer is always Nicolas Cage (even 2+2= Nicolas Cage but that's Cagenomics, a new and total global market saving version of economics that I invented. There's not many rules to be bound to, you pretty much accept every job or offer of any sort and then spend you're money like it's going to self destruct in 20 minutes) Come with me on a magic boat ride down River Nicolas as I tell you how some movies could have been Cageified; Twilight- Nicolas Cage as Edward, Titanic- Cage as Rose, Avatar- All the blue guys resemble Nic Cage. So next time you're watching a shitty movie just imagine what it would be like with Nic Cage as the star

I just hope that when Nic Cage dies, if ever, and ascends to his rightful place atop Mount Olympus that there will be someone else to take his place

And if none of those reasons can convinve you then check this, the man might even be immortal.

Conspiracy? I Think So!

So, I assume we've all heard that Donald Trump has stated his intention to run in the next presidential election and has started his smear campaign already, questioning Obama's Americaninity!

But what you didn't know was the awful truth behind it all!

First off though we must look at the facts!

1. Barack Obama and Donald Trump both have names consisting of 11 letters each
2. The anagram of Donald Trump: Land Dump Rot. 
3. If we take the letters of Trumps name and Obamas we get 'A Marmot Pub'
4. Taking each letter from Trumps name and making it an acronym we get: D.emocrats O.k N.ow A.nd L.iking D.emocrats T.ops. R.ight U.nder M.y P.ropaganda!

I know you're looking at all this and wondering what I'm getting at. Well first of all the eleven letters is a clear reference to 9/11!!

And the anagram of his name; Land Dump Rot. What did America do in 1969, they landed on the moon to dump rotten waste!

Mixing the names and getting the anagram 'A Marmot Pub', is an obvious reference to the long standing fact that the Democrats have always wanted to open a pub dedicated to Marmots, if you don't know it's a type of squirrel.

The acronym of Trumps name is a blatant fuck you to the Republican party, that liking Democrats is ok now and that he's doing it even under all the propoganda he's spouting about Obama, which is in fact only strengthening Obama's ride to the re-election

And so, I, putting all these facts together have come up with a revelation that will shock the very world and bring it to it's knees:

"That the moon landing in 1969 was faked so sas to cover up the secret dumping of rotten waste in space by the American governemt at the time, 9/11 was a distraction invented to distract conspiracy theorists from this fact and exposing the plan by giving them something new to theorize about. This dumping of rotten waste in space was a way for the Democrats to save enough money to spearhead their ultimate goal of opening a pub dedicated to the creature they most revere in all of the world 'The Marmot'."


And who was behind it all? Well isn't it obvious? It was the most cunning, cleverest, ingenious mastermind of them all.... Flava Flav

You diabolical genius! Damn you and your Marmot themed pub to hell!

Down The Pub

"You're nuts" he declared, slamming a hammy fist down on the oaken counter-top, the sudden outburst drawing enquiring glances form other patrons of the bar. He sheepishly looked around, his ruddy face taking on a deeper shade of red. Turning back to me, he lowered his voice "You're crazy, there is now way he was the best. To begin with he was too greedy and was not a team player"

I leaned forward on the bar stool, pointing a finger at him, dirt from the days work still lingering under the nail, "And what would you know, ya dope? The last time you togged out for anything was to be the anchor at the local sports day tug-a-war, and we all know the reason why they even asked ya for that!" I said punctuating my point with a jab to his protruding stomach

He coughed and sputtered for a moment before regaining his composure and slapped my hand out of the way, "You think you know it all, Mr. High and Mighty"

"Well I did kit out for my county after all" I said, drawing myself up on the stool and looking down on my companion

"That was one time and the only reason that happened was because of a clerical error, ya eejit!"

I grunted and turned back to lean on the counter, looking in the mirror I saw the door open and admit a fine looking young brunette and her friend. I watched as she placed a hand in front of her mouth and laughed as they took their seat in the corner of the bar. Nudging the big man in the ribs and nodding behind me, I continued my vigilence of the local talent. He turned around awkwardly in his place to blatantly look at her as I raised my eyes heavenward

Turning back, he gave me a lecherous smile. "She's a fine bit"

"As if she'd ever be interested in a lump like you!"

He thumped me on the arm, "Feck ya, I'm handsome!"

"You're about as handsome as  a slapped pig"

"And you're...."

His insult was interrupted by the sound of two glasses clinking down on the counter. We both swung around to see Jimmy, the owner, standing there with two glasses of amber godness.

"On the house boys, ye did a fine job ploughing me field this morning"

Without uttering a word we snatched up our glasses and took a deep swig, as Jimmy turned away

As we finished off the drinks Jimmy turned back to us, "And for the record, Michael Donnellan was the best footballer this country's ever seen...."

Scene 5 From Screenplay of the Century 'Hot Fever'

This is the fifth scene from my movie about revenge

Scene 5

Int: Prison cell – Day – Kurt Russell is groggily awakening from his brutal beating that has left him with two black eyes and cuts and scrapes all over his face. He groans and sits up, looking around to see where he is

Kurt Russell

Ah fuck, I’m in a goddamn prison cell again, this is not good

Guy

Sure is not my lovely boy

Kurt Russell

Who are you and don’t call me ‘lovely boy’ again?

Guy

Oh I’m just an admirer of that pretty face of yours, my velvet faced pretty

Kurt Russell

Oh my fuck, they put me in with a fucking weirdo

Kurt stands up and walks over to the bars of the prison and starts shouting

Kurt Russell

Hey let me the fuck out, I didn’t do anything wrong, I’m a victim of police entrapment

Guy

Police entrapment? What do you mean, my silken love doodle

Kurt Russell

Well you see the police pretended to be fome firemen and tricked me into pulling over out of their way, and then they had the cheek to tell me I had crashed into a hot dog stand and that that I had been sitting in my car for an hour without realising! They fucking tricked me and lied to me

Guy

Oh my, that sounds awful. I got tricked too you know. I thought it was legal to flash in public but apparently it’s not

The guy walks up beid eKurt and slips an arm around his waist, Kurt shrugs it off irritably and turns to th guy

Kurt Russell

Look you fucking weirdo, I want nothing to do with your perversion so just leave me alone or I’ll roundhouse kick you into the middle of next week, where I’ll be waiting to roundhouse kick you back to this moment. You got that?

Guy

Oh sure, you just talk dirty to me and I’ll listen, mmm, you are a very pretty young man aren’t you.

Kurt Russell

You sir are deranged

Guy

That’s it, more stuff like that, you make me so hot

A police man approaches the cell and opens the door

Cop

Russell, Kurt. You’re free to go. Now get the hell outta here

Guy

Oh no, don’t say that, keep him locked up a while longer. Say you will, please!

Kurt Russell

Get me the fuck out of here

Guy

Look me up when I get out my chiselled Adonis

Kurt Russell flips him off and walks out of the cell

Kurt Russell

So who let me out Bro?

Cop

I ain’t your bro and it was some broad, said she was your lawyer

Kurt Russell

A lawyer? I’m Kurt Roundhouse Kickin Russell, I don’t need fuckin pansy ass shit like a lawyer

Cop

Whatever, she’s quite a looker though!

The two walk out into the atrium of the police station to see a beautiful woman standing there, staring at Kurt Russell as he walks out.

Lawyer

Mr Russell I assume

Kurt Russell

Yeah, who’s asking?

Lawyer

My name is Miss Busey, I was Mr Browne’s lawyer and I was the one who bailed you out of prison

Kurt Russell

That sounds weird. Why would you do something weird like that

Miss Busey

Because Mr Browne stip…

Kurt gives her a smug smile

Kurt Russell

It’s cos you love the K-Dog ain’t it. Big Poppa Bukowski got your motor runnin’ eh?

Mr Busey

Mr Russell, I can assure you my interest has nothing to do with sex. I only did this because you were missing for the reading of the will and Mr Browne stipulated in his will that you were to bailed out if, and I quote, “If Kurt does something stupid after I die and gets himself locked up then some of my money should be used to bail the stupid son of a bitch out of prison”

Kurt still not listening to her and is now flexing his guns

Kurt Russell

So when are we gonna knock boots then? Do the nasty tango? Bump uglies? More sexual reference! Boom! Kurt Russell is into you!

Miss Busey

Mr Russell all I am going to do is drive you hoe and then that will be the end of our dealings

Kurt Russell

Sure thing doll face, whatever you say. We should stop at a pharmacy first to pick up some johnnies!

Miss Busey rolls her eyes and makes an irritated noise

Miss Busey

Come on Mr Russell, the sooner I get you home the sooner I can

Kurt Russell

Get into my bed! Boom, Kurt Russell is on fire!

Miss Busey

Sigh!!!!

Kurt Russell

Alright let’s go, I gots a boner that just won’t quit like that ass of oyurs